Saturday, November 13, 2010

Meet my bff Anxiety

I shouldn't be surprised. I've slept more in the last two days than I have in months and now I've been home from work for only an hour (oh god it feels way longer!) and I'm wide awake. WIDE awake. N's been snoozing next to me since about 5 minutes after I walked in the room. He promised he would be awake when I got home, he got back from Colorado around noon today, and made it just enough to say goodnight kiss me and fall asleep instantly. Awesome.

Now what.

Checked Facebook. Boring.

Checked Email. Boring.

Read all the new blog posts in my feed. Not boring. But not enough to stretch the time :)

And now that it's quiet, the tv is making flittering images on the ceiling and of course the rain is starting to patter on my window, my mind's ready to party. That bedtime anxiety I love so much.

Hi there. Who the fuck told you that you could come out and hang out? Not me! But if you insist on staying for awhile..I might as well get you out of my system and see if I can catch some shut eye after that.

I hate anxiety. I just don't understand it. When I have anxiety, it's really sudden. It comes very quickly in small panic attacks where I feel like I'm going to be sick, and then as quickly as it came, it goes away again. Then my "worries" creep up on me when I'm sort of on autopilot. Like when I'm driving, which I realize is not a good time to be on autopilot :P but I don't even notice I'm doing it. You can catch me doing it, because I start to chew on my lip like a maniac. It's gross. Anxiety is gross. What get's me half the time is that I have mini panic attacks when I'm not even stressed out. Nothing has to be happening in particular. It just happens. And I hate it, because I think I've done pretty well out here.

I've continually looked on the brighter side of things and made the best of everything in my life. Even though life's not about to cut me just the slightest of slack it seems. I'm happy. I really am. But if I'm honest, I can deny that I spend a good amount of time dreaming about things I want in my life as if I had the opportunity to put them there.
Like the house I wish we could buy but will not be able to afford for at least another 5 years.
Or the furniture and decor I dream about and make inspirational boards with to give me ideas for a home I don't even have. And really have no idea when or where I will have it. I want more clothes and things than I can buy. I want a better, cooler car. I want to be able to go Christmas shopping for my family. I want want want..

 Ya, actually, a lot of it is materialistic. Thanks for pointing that out, because the list is much much longer and I'm not gonna fight you for pointing it out. I hate it. I just don't get it. I like my life. I love my family and friends. I have a bed to sleep in at night and money to fill my belly with food when I need it. I don't need anything else. I just always want want want. Isn't that a nasty characteristic? So why, if my positivity comes from a genuine place in my heart, because I mean it and want to be happy with what I have, am I not satisfied? It just makes it look like I'm faking my happiness because on the inside, I'll always want more.

Don't worry if you're lost. If you're still reading at this point I'm amazed because this 12:42am rant is taking the both of us no where.

Let's see if I can't leave on a happy note..and turn my wants into something a little more attractive. It's Christmas time after all and that makes it a perfect time for wishlists.

1. I wish N and I were able to find a place to live soon. 

2. I wish we knew a little more about where we'll be in the next 2-3 months. 

3. I wish Harry Potter wasn't ending. I think I'm suppressing it in a weird emotional way. I haven't even purchased my midnight showing tickets. (I wonder if I'll even go?)

4. I wish my hair was long again and not such a hot mess every day. It's annoying as shit. 

5. I wish I could wake up tomorrow, throw on something comfy and have a shopping day all to myself. 

6. I wish I lost weight easier. Being a chubby cow ain't so fun. 

7. I wish my foot wasn't asleep right now. This is a bit annoying!?

8. I wish my nails would just paint themselves and never chip. 

9. I wish I would get a promotion at work and not be treated like a new manager that doesn't know a thing a two. 

10. I wish and hope you won't judge me for actually posting this and still love me in the morning. 

hope you're all snoozing lovely dreams, 

xo . jess


  1. So, this is a little weird, but... I'm actually dealing with some anxiety myself right now! Which is why I'm up... at 1:05am. I feel your pain. I really, really do. I used to have IDENTICAL anxiety issues as you, about 2 years ago. It only lasted for about 6 months, but it was annoying as heck, and it comes as goes now. But I understand.

    Here's to good mental health, and a better tomorrow. ;)

  2. I feel your pain. I used to have really bad anxiety problems my first few years of college. I would get panic attacks every night before bed that would make me sick to the point of throwing up. I felt like I was dying. Not fun. They eventually stopped but the worries still creep up on me when I'm not busy doing something and have the time to think. I don't see anything wrong with your wants. Everyone is guilty of desiring materialistic things, and there's nothing weird about wanting a home to make your own and wanting a little more certainty in your life. I've been noticing that many bloggers I follow have been feeling the same way lately, including myself. Have a good nights sleep and a great day tomorrow!

    p.s. I too wish my short hair wasn't a hot mess everyday and that I could lose some chub. Sigh.

  3. Thank you Brittney, we and especially you (!) are too young to have anxiety aren't we! So yes, cheers to that!

    Rachel I've had it since my junior year of college and have never really been able to make it go away completely. Sometimes I think it's ridiculous that so many young people have so many things loaded on them from college. I do have good and bad waves. Thank you for reminding me that we live in a materialistic society. Maybe it's starting to be "winter blues" season. Have you ever heard of that? I'll be sure to post something cute for us to do with our locks on Tuesday ;)

    Thank you girls again! I love feedback like this - always makes everything better :)

  4. Oh Anxiety...How I hate it. This is a everyday problem for me pretty much & I can really relate to night anxiety. Actually, I can pretty much relate to everything you're talking about.
    I really hope you start feeling mucho better lady :)
    p.s Celestial Sleepytime tea always helps me get some sleep.

    have a lovely Sunday!!!

  5. Thank you for the tip! :) I love me a good cup of tea before bed as it is! :D It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you and happy wishes for you :)