Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Where troubles melt like..lemon drops..

I apologize for lingering for a few days since my last post. Getting through the first part of this week was pretty tough and all my focus was on my finals and not completely losing my mind after the recent events that have created a serious snowball gone massive avalanche in my life.

For those that haven't heard any of this new news, only bits and pieces, and just pretend to care :) The past 10 days have been very difficult for me to curveball around and have left me with a very vague idea of what is coming for me in the next 9 months. Because of consecutive family deaths and illnesses I have not had the greatest reflection of GPA in school and with this semester not being my strongest after all I am moving my student teaching to next Fall 2010 in order to be better prepared academically. Then it is looking like my sister will be having brain surgery in the early new year and I am a little anxious as to student teaching would mix in with that. I'm glad that I will be able to have more time and freedom to be there for my sister and family while she recovers after the surgery. This leaves me with way too many decisions and uncertainties that I can handle at the moment. Which is also the purpose of my blog for today :).

Tomorrow I venture out in my little Chevy and an already gone cold cup of coffee down to the Denver area to scope out some jobs that I can start asap. I would still really like to move to Denver in the next few weeks and with two classes that I'm taking online in the spring, I will have and definitely be taking advantage of  all the time I have available to bring my bank account out of starvation period and actually be able to afford a nice pair of shoes every other month :) Also, this will definitely come in handy in saving money for the wedding in October and I can peacefully (as much as life will allow) plan for it at the same time. So wish me the best of luck in the hopes that something positive comes my way tomorrow that will give me the hours/pay I could at least benefit from.

Next to the positive feelings that are growing within me about the job and being able to plan for the wedding, I am getting more and more excited about the break that life I guess has thrown in my lap at the moment. When in your life does that happen quite often?! Don't get me wrong, if I could have it my way, I would choose to move forward with student teaching now and just let the chips fall where they may :) the same time, I have not been able to calm my nervous stomach for the past week, as a result have come up with 10 different disorders I might have developed based on the sporadic and random symptoms I have had, including a panicked pregnancy scare, that all of this crap has made me realize that - I am BURNT OUT! And I think admitting that or letting myself fully see/acknowledge that is really hard for me. But then again I think about how my life just continued with full speed ahead after my nana passed away last year, and I amazed at how fast this past year went by that it makes me question - do I need to take care of myself and catch up with life right now? I know this semester was rough for me - I was stressed out all the time, but I also really let go of taking care of myself nutritionally, and mentally, and I think the consequences are not just knocking on my door - they broke the whole thing down! As much as I want to move forward and grasp the next stages and events in my life, I am realizing life is telling me, not just through the state of my health and body, but through the obstacles or more full on road blocks it has placed in front of me with the full intention of telling me "enough is enough".
We can only handle so much in our lives. And my plate has been piling up with for a good year now and it's time I clear it before I move on. Be prepared for plenty of blogs to follow this ones tone reflecting my thoughts as I move forward without much direction. Just with a goal of picking up my career in late summer and of course with the exciting even of Nick and I getting married in the fall :) To which I have lately not been able to think about with out tearing up and smiling foolishly at the same time :)

Hallelujah for knowing that someone is watching over me and being able to save me from self destruction :)

I always get teary when I hear her sing this :)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Saturday with the Family

It's Saturday a little after noon..Nick and I spent the morning driving down with the new rescued puppy we saved for my little brother for Christmas. He is so excited! He's been ignoring all of us all morning and just playing running around the house with her. :) It's so cute and I am so happy he loves her so much immediately.

After this week I am so relaxed and excited to be here with my family. A mother's hug - no matter how old can make mountains of stress on your melt away instantly. And the smell of her "german breakfasts" when you walk around the corner to the front of the house is so familiar and lovely :)

I am so happy today! I just had to hold on to this moment (another blessing for sure!) and share it so that I don't forget about it :)

Happy Saturday!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Life in 360 degree

I hope you are having a great Friday and are looking forward to your weekend! I actually had a great day at work even though my shift got extended and extra three hours. However, I can't complain because lord knows Nick and I need the money so I should keep my mouth shut even if I got extended ten hours :) Nevertheless I had a blast at work today. And as I was leaving in the freezing cold I just had to stop and let myself be amazed at the fact that even though life can be so messy, chaotic, rotten, unfair, and so so sooo unpredictable, the good days don't go away completely. They always come back.. and today one came back to me.
On Monday of this week my life turned itself completely upside down. Not only did I have a horrible pregnancy scare (sorry if a little TMI) but I also found out that I was not going to be student teaching just yet in the spring. So after sitting in my advisor's office crying for an hour (so embarrassing!) and then crying some more with relief to find out I wasn't pregnant (on a side note - it would never be a bad thing, but I cringe at the thought of feeding/supporting an innocent infant when Nick and I can't even do that for ourselves) I spent the entire afternoon unmovable on the couch letting the world crash around me a little bit.
Now..4 days later on Friday I feel as if I can breathe again. Contrary to my inability to make decisions I feel as if I have somewhat successfully made the right next move in my life - nothing. Since Monday, when I laid backwards in our bed with pillows covering my entire body, my life has fallen back into place all on its own. Not entirely, and of course not completely to my liking, simply because I think I haven't gotten over the shock of its complete 180 degree turn around, but every day I wake up with less weight on my shoulders, and small blessings keep falling into my lap that I can't help but hold on to them as tight as I can. Even if it is a good day at work. Call me desperate - but it's exactly what I need in my life. A day at work surrounded by supportive, hilarious, beautiful & smart women that make a 7 hour work day feel like Sunday brunch.

Without letting this post get entirely too long (if you haven't already stopped reading) I hope you have a lovely day - count those blessings not matter how big or small :)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Emma Watson

Good Evening
I have spent the entire day doing nothing and it was absolutely wonderful. I came home from my teaching practicum at RMHS pulled on some sweats and collapsed on my bed. I opened my computer and goofed around on Facebook for awhile while listening to my beloved New Moon soundtrack. :) It was so nice to spend the entire day sleeping off and on, not thinking about a test, a paper, or anything that has been stressful.

So while I've spent my entire day blogging :) facebooking and editing more of my photography. And while surfing the internet on top of that for one of my dearest heroines - Emma Watson I just can't help sharing how much I would love to dress like her and maybe have a little bit of her build :) I just had to share how freaking adorable this young woman is. I admire her not just for her work but for her genuine personality and all around wonderful young actress. So here are some photos to prove to you just how cute this little Brit :)

These are the cutests outfits..the one on the right here is so freaking cute.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

What's in a grade?

So..I'm having a fairly blue day..mostly because as life will have it sometimes, all stressful things are coming together at once and creating quite a chaos in my life. And, for you girls out there, I'm having one of those days where you just cry for no reason. You're just driving along (as I was to work this morning) and you just cry hysterically? For no reason at all, except for the reason that you feel as if life has it out for you and everything in your life seems negative and unfair? Yep. That was me. Driving to work today..having one of those moments.
When I finally wiped off all the tears with my crap mittens that don't keep the warmth in at all..I started to focus my thoughts on school. I'm in my last few weeks and due to senioritis and a complete lack of caring my grades have suffered quite a bit this semester. I was never a straight A student. Honestly, I was always a C student, but in the classes that I cared about, like those I will need for teaching/my major I've always gotten A's in. Except for all the fluff. Well that fluff still adds to your GPA and at the end of the day my question is - how much does GPA really count?
While I was trying to calm myself down I reflected back on all the semesters of college I've survived and I started to notice a pattern. Every semester something big happened that affected my life immensely and therefore reflected in my school work. Either someone passed away, someone got seriously ill, I was so broke I ate a can of corn for dinner, or I was working a full time job and doing school full time. Something was always up. And I understand there are stronger souls out there that deal with this kind of stuff everyday, but I'm just done with working my hardest, regardless of what has happened in my life and never saying "Good job Jessica. You did your best". So what I got two C's, one A, and a sister got diagnosed with a brain disease for crying out loud. Life comes first and school always last. Just because we aren't sitting in school learning the definition of some new big word doesn't mean we're not learning. From all the classes I've taken I know I've learned things that I will remember forever and have improved my education, even if I only got a C or even a D in the class. I know so many friends that ace every exam, every class, every quiz and don't remember squat.

So to reflect back to me personally. I'm worried about my grades. But should I really be? I know in my heart I will be a great teacher. I love doing it I know I will. What grade do I get for that?

Saturday, December 05, 2009

First Boudoir Shoot

So my sister in law and I were in the mall yesterday and she was shopping for some fun lingerie to wear when she goes to see her boyfriend in WA over Christmas. He is in serving in the Navy and so she wants to have a memorable trip :). So please don't take this weird - c'mon it's the 21st century, but she ends up picking out this really cute outfit (not the slutty kind) and we get to talking and long story short we decide that she is going to pose some of her new stuff for me in an elegant, sexy, classy shoot. She then can turn the pictures into a memorable "sexy book" for her guy.

I have been wanting to add a "boudoir" session to my portfolio and am so excited to finally have gotten a chance to! :) I think the pictures turned out great! Thank you Julie for being my guinea pig - you look hot! :)