whoo. whoo.

The night owl is sitting on my nightstand tonight and not letting me sleep. I'm WIDE AWAKE. You'd think that staying up all night last night celebrating the end of 2010 and welcoming 2011 followed by an entire day of working retail, I'd be moore than happy to get some z's in tonight. 


Well apparently, my mind doesn't feel like it right now. I don't know if it's too many things buzzing around my mind right now. Well, that's not true. I know for a fact it is. I've already bitten the inside of my lips sore tonight just lying here thinking about a million things and I will not get sleepy. Once N started talking in his sleep I switched the TV back on and pulled out my notebook.


I'm so angry, I can't even focus to get my thoughts typed out. Not that I could make any sense of them anyway. I'm the worst person at expressing myself without curse words and tears anyway. I'm quite the emotional drama queen the past couple days and I'd like to think that's not usually like me. As much as I want to get these things off my mind I also don't want to be that girl. The one that uses Facebook or any form of internet combined with "OMG" to 'express herself'. It makes everything feel so melodramatic. 


Alas, I hope you all had a fantastic New Year's Eve. Hope you enjoyed my self pitiful midnight which must be refreshing from all the New Year's optimism floating around out there :) It's possible I will hitch a ride secretly on the back of that bandwagon. For the sake of what little sanity I have left. :) Don't judge me. I do have hilarious pictures from a pretty fantastical new year's eve to post tomorrow. 


For now I think I'm gonna head to Lauren's for some midnight blanks. I am such the procrastinator, aren't I?

xo . jess

60 degrees funk

I use to looooooove the swings when I was a girl. I would beg to go on one from the moment I saw them. I'd stretch out my arms and kick my legs and enjoy the feeling of flying, if that's what it was like. 

Now they scare me shitless. 

Why is that? 

_________________________________________________________

Since this has officially been the weirdest and lamest Winter I've ever seen in Colorado (just when I thought I'd seen it all) with our 50 degree days and the fact that I still don't wear a Winter coat on a regular basis, I realized that the only thing I have been able to make a decision about lately is that fact that I simply cannot call this weird mood I'm in "Winter Blues". I'd be a fake Winter Blues girl if I did and so let's just call it the 

"60 degrees funk". 

I don't know what it is. Sitting here with my beloved morning coffee, my notebook and you guys is among my top three favorite things to do by far. And even though I'm fully enjoying it and my coffee is more than searing hot, I'm 100,000 different emotions lately. I'm mad at my Dad who, even though sent me a Christmas card with $ in it yesterday, didn't even call for Christmas. And I know he's at home sitting the "no, you call me" game and I'm appreciate of the $, sometimes I'd just really love a fucking phone call. Because if there's one thing I can tell about my dad, is when he's being sarcastic, and his Christmas card is full of it! 

"Merry Christmas to you guys wherever you guys are now"

Really? Juno couldn't put it any better with her collection of cacti "Thanks a heap, Coyote ugly. This Cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."

Then there's a million other people that confuse me, upset me, anger me, and some of them simply just piss me off, yet,...hehe oopsi..some of them quite possibly come and read my blog on occasion (I really have to stop sharing my links on Facebook) and I'm not about to open that can of whoop ass. 

I'm really impatient. So I don't like just sittin pretty and letting the outcome arrive with its lost luggage and excuses of missed flights. Just tell me what I did wrong? Why are you so annoying? And why can't we all just hug, sing cumbaya, and play games? (I'm kidding. that sounds absolutely terrible.) 

Thirdly, one thing I am absolutely not adjusting to in this new adult married life of mine, is that, without college, you don't really have your life set for you, one semester at a time. Anything could really happen and you can completely do whatever it is you feel like. 

Want some babies? Why not. 

Get a second career? Sure! 

Just work and hang out? I'll take door number 3, thank you. 

But I know that's not going to keep me quiet in the corner for long. I'm really antsy I think. N and I are really looking forward to this year, don't get me wrong. N is working hard at his dream which I support 100%, because fact is, we are without kids, for now we're without the stress of a house or mortgage, and we are getting a grip on our mountain of bills thanks to school and paying 90% of our own schooling. 

(Again, thanks a heap, American Secondary Education. You're a doll.) But I can't decide if I've been thrown into the infamous soup bowl of retail where your fate is pure luck and you're swimming around, hoping you look like a yummy potato that will get picked next to move up. I've worked my behind off this year and if it's not in the cards for me this year, well then I'm out. which brings me to my next dilemma of what's next? 

My master's in Education? 

Maybe I should follow my love for photography down the path of a real education in it? 

What if I go to beauty school and open MY own business and have the most rocking little shop in downtown Denver? 

I have it all figured out don't I. 

Happy Hump Day. 

xo . jess

wisdom.

reverb10.

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Sometime this year, before my wedding is really the only specific time frame I can come up with, my grandad and I were talking on the phone. At some point our conversation shifted towards my dad. And then my grandad started asking me if I thought my dad would come to the wedding and the conversation went a little deeper from there. 

I know I've talked about my dad on here before. I don't do it often. I'm not sure why. It's on my mind probably every day. But even though I sometimes spend a significant amount thinking about him, I never want to talk about him. Not because it's painful necessarily. Sometimes, yea it is. But I think, unfortunately for him, I'm just sort of over it. I'm over the part where I'm fighting for our relationship or whatever little bit of fraction there ever was of it. I've accepted defeat. The fact that he will never be able to put on his grown man pants and be a dad. 

Now that you've got me started, I feel bad just leaving or posting such a confusing post and give you a little more detail. I'll try my best to not be partial in my side, but..it's kinda hard. Read on. 

So if you haven't caught on that I recently got married, now you're up to speed. ;) You need to know that I was engaged to N for almost two years. He asked me New Year's Eve two years ago..so when we got married it was just under two years' time. I always knew that if my dad was only ever going to be involved in my life one time, it would be for my wedding. He would ask me "What do you dream your wedding to look like?" And then escort me down the aisle. 

Oh wait. We're talking about MY dad here. I forgot. MY dad, makes a smart ass comment as my future husband is asking for my hand in marriage, never not once in the first year of being engaged asks about wedding plans, not even "Hey honey, have you looked for a dress?". MY dad has such a little back bone that I end up email fighting with my stepmom about I'm still not really sure to this day about what, doesn't speak to me for months, then has his wife email me at exactly 8am on New Year's Day enraged because I didn't call for Christmas or New Year's, still no word from HIM and casually emails me 6 months later without a single word inbetween, a one line email 

"Hey, you been watching the world cup?"

Are you fucking kidding?

The stupid girl I am, picks up communication again, which is literally only about soccer and lasts about, oh 1.5 weeks during which I manage a 

"Did you get our invitation? Are you going to make it to the wedding? You're, kind of supposed to give me away." To which my reply was

"Sorry no. [Your stepmom] would really like to take our annual ski trip to the Alps at the end of the year and a ticket to the wedding will cut into our vacation budget."

I'm sorry. I said "are you fucking kidding me" already, right?

And so, I break off communication about soccer and rejection again and have not heard from him since sometime in June of this year. 

It is now December. I have been married for 2 months and had the most handsome man walk me down the aisle. My father has forever missed the chance to see his first born daughter at her wedding. Let alone dance with her for her father daughter dance. 

Alright, I am sorry, I've got to come off my soapbox. I think the vicodin is talking a little more loudly. But hey, I think this is my first reverb10, during which I really reflected. Even if it was in my Mean Girl voice. 

the last time I saw my dad in January 2009. 

xo . jess

Spread The Joy.

So I realize that it's right around the spirit of peace and love and above all joy and that I should be all candy canes and peppermint, but my job is killing me tonight. I say "tonight" to make myself a little less stressed, because at the end of the day no matter how much I hate it "overall" instead, I have to stay there because we rely 110% on that money and I will not find something until after the holiday season. So, "tonight", it is.

I'm going to try and keep this brief, because I don't want to vent about my job online that much, but I just have to get this, perfectly legit, frustration off my chest. So when we moved out here I kept the same position that I had in Colorado. I was simple being transferred to a new store. Well, in Colorado I was part of a fantastic management team, worked in a supporting and growth fuelling (?) environment, haha I mean that I felt like my boss cared about my growth as a manager and move up in the company lol (aka growth fuelling haha ). I quickly had the opportunity to help first hand in a pretty big project that required a lot of my time and I got to experience very much for a person in my position. Quickly after I was offered a promotion that I had to turn down even then, because I didn't feel right taking this position and what the position was for when I already knew I was going to leave the district so soon.

Then..I end my last couple of weeks quietly at my position and get transferred out here after being off for a month for my wedding, our honeymoon, and our trip out here.

The first day here was a complete disaster. I was so .. "rusty" .. I had forgotten how to do everything for a couple hours and my new manager looked at me like I was crazy. "I'm sorry. I just got married. I'm a stupid lovedrunk newlywed - I KNOW. But can you laugh with me just a little??"
No. Not a crack of the slightest smile. The rest of the first week wasn't much better. I find out half the management team is actually leaving, and I"m the only manager staying behind. Everything Jess knows = WRONG. Everything howitsdoneinMichigan = THE10COMMANDMENTS. The next two weeks were like that. Everything I did was wrong, but it was almost like that math problem you know the answer to, but the PROCESS of how you got there is just a little different from what your greasy math teacher would like you to show!!! But no. I was going to live and breathe the way it was done out here and I was made to feel stupid for knowing a different way.

Week three, getting a little better, except for the fact that adjusting or fitting in with the new management team proves a little difficult and has now turned to frustration.

Week four (literally TODAY) comes completely full circle and I'm having the 2nd worst day since I've been out here simply because of my job. I almost went in the back twice to get my stuff, drop my keys on the counter and walk out. But I can't. Because I know it's not the company. I love working for this company, because the best days I've had here have been when I'm by myself and we're having a fantastic day, sales are great, customer interaction is on, and the floor is running smoothly. I love the way this company runs and therefore, as much as I want to quit on the store I can't quit on the company.

I simply have to suck it up and get my right opportunity or for a total cliche "moment to shine" back and gun it.

Thank you for my holyshitits12:53am banter!! And my apologies for the midnightdirtymouth. Think I'll take my slaphappy/halfasleep self upstairs and under the sheets where an adorable warm hubby is waiting for me! ♥

yuk. I hate that word. 


hubby. 


the way my best friend hates the word "moist" 


haha 


hubby. 


iiiiew. 

xo . jesszzzzzzz....

Meet my bff Anxiety

I shouldn't be surprised. I've slept more in the last two days than I have in months and now I've been home from work for only an hour (oh god it feels way longer!) and I'm wide awake. WIDE awake. N's been snoozing next to me since about 5 minutes after I walked in the room. He promised he would be awake when I got home, he got back from Colorado around noon today, and made it just enough to say goodnight kiss me and fall asleep instantly. Awesome.

Now what.

Checked Facebook. Boring.

Checked Email. Boring.

Read all the new blog posts in my feed. Not boring. But not enough to stretch the time :)

And now that it's quiet, the tv is making flittering images on the ceiling and of course the rain is starting to patter on my window, my mind's ready to party. That bedtime anxiety I love so much.

Hi there. Who the fuck told you that you could come out and hang out? Not me! But if you insist on staying for awhile..I might as well get you out of my system and see if I can catch some shut eye after that.

I hate anxiety. I just don't understand it. When I have anxiety, it's really sudden. It comes very quickly in small panic attacks where I feel like I'm going to be sick, and then as quickly as it came, it goes away again. Then my "worries" creep up on me when I'm sort of on autopilot. Like when I'm driving, which I realize is not a good time to be on autopilot :P but I don't even notice I'm doing it. You can catch me doing it, because I start to chew on my lip like a maniac. It's gross. Anxiety is gross. What get's me half the time is that I have mini panic attacks when I'm not even stressed out. Nothing has to be happening in particular. It just happens. And I hate it, because I think I've done pretty well out here.

I've continually looked on the brighter side of things and made the best of everything in my life. Even though life's not about to cut me just the slightest of slack it seems. I'm happy. I really am. But if I'm honest, I can deny that I spend a good amount of time dreaming about things I want in my life as if I had the opportunity to put them there.
Like the house I wish we could buy but will not be able to afford for at least another 5 years.
Or the furniture and decor I dream about and make inspirational boards with to give me ideas for a home I don't even have. And really have no idea when or where I will have it. I want more clothes and things than I can buy. I want a better, cooler car. I want to be able to go Christmas shopping for my family. I want want want..

 Ya, actually, a lot of it is materialistic. Thanks for pointing that out, because the list is much much longer and I'm not gonna fight you for pointing it out. I hate it. I just don't get it. I like my life. I love my family and friends. I have a bed to sleep in at night and money to fill my belly with food when I need it. I don't need anything else. I just always want want want. Isn't that a nasty characteristic? So why, if my positivity comes from a genuine place in my heart, because I mean it and want to be happy with what I have, am I not satisfied? It just makes it look like I'm faking my happiness because on the inside, I'll always want more.

Don't worry if you're lost. If you're still reading at this point I'm amazed because this 12:42am rant is taking the both of us no where.

Let's see if I can't leave on a happy note..and turn my wants into something a little more attractive. It's Christmas time after all and that makes it a perfect time for wishlists.

1. I wish N and I were able to find a place to live soon. 

2. I wish we knew a little more about where we'll be in the next 2-3 months. 

3. I wish Harry Potter wasn't ending. I think I'm suppressing it in a weird emotional way. I haven't even purchased my midnight showing tickets. (I wonder if I'll even go?)

4. I wish my hair was long again and not such a hot mess every day. It's annoying as shit. 

5. I wish I could wake up tomorrow, throw on something comfy and have a shopping day all to myself. 

6. I wish I lost weight easier. Being a chubby cow ain't so fun. 

7. I wish my foot wasn't asleep right now. This is a bit annoying!?

8. I wish my nails would just paint themselves and never chip. 

9. I wish I would get a promotion at work and not be treated like a new manager that doesn't know a thing a two. 

10. I wish and hope you won't judge me for actually posting this and still love me in the morning. 

hope you're all snoozing lovely dreams, 

xo . jess

big. pink. and furry.

What was that? Don't ask me, because even though I'm pretty sure I'm over it, something was up and I couldn't begin to tell you what it was. Well, ok you're right. I could. I could talk your ear off for hours boring you with my theories. The short version is, let's face it, is that I'm an emotional young miss. I over analyze, I criticize, I get sad, I cry, I pout,..all those uber attractive things all of us (girls and boys) have our own little copy of.

In clear words - the first couple days were a cultureshock and mini overload of realizing ijustgotmarried, imawife, immovinghalfwayacroosthecountry, iwontseemymamacitaeveryweek, imgonnamissouton... (insert ~10-15 events) and so on and so on. But fortunately, this last week was much better. I had better days at work, I got a little of my confidence back, I made some friends at work, I woke up with N's arm wrapped around me every morning, and I managed to throw together some cute outfits. My bangs also looked smashing every day of the week.

Look how perfect they are. And if you caught my tweets from Wednesday..this is the rockin famous big pink furry vest. The last thing I bought at my old store, so self conscious to wear it, but haven't gotten this many compliments on an outfit in a long time, famous vest. I loved it. Have worn it twice since, and firmly believe every girl needs to rock a furry vest this season. :)

In retrospect, it was a pretty fantastic week. Despite the fact that we still haven't had luck with our house hunting. We continue to grind our teeth and keep looking. I'll alert you as soon as the situation is looking up. 

Which already brings us to Halloween weekend which also has pretty decent with N, Birry and I all having today off from work and two nights of successful crappingourpantswithscarymoviewatching nights. Lounging around this spooky day together, munchin', and watching more superscarydon'tleavemealone, movies. 

have a happy halloween.

Happy 101 Award

littmrssunshine?? An award!! Why you shouldn't haveeee. 

Alright let's back up a bit. I had a really poopy day. Spent it driving home from work fighting back the tears again and I'm sick of it. I can't figure out if my lady days and all this frustration is running together and that's why my emotions are a bit out of whack, or if it's because I got married, moved away from my home, my family, started a new job (that I'm turning out to really dislike), and still haven't found a place to live out here. 


I have a strong feeling it's option A. Option B just seems to easy. 


But seriously. The heck is my deal? I'm a big girl now. A married woman and I'm still crying for my mommy?? (yeeeeeeeeeeeeesssss *sniff*) I do miss you mamacitaa! But I've got to snap out of it. One of my sister's best friends posted on her Facebook status the other day "I don't think I can have bad days" and if you knew her, reading that would warm your heart as much as it did mine and you would have felt the little "slaponthehandquityobitchin'" too. 


I know things will look up. And every morning I mentor myself that attitude is half the battle. So I sit there shivering in my car for the first 20 minutes, hands at 10 and 2, in silence because Michigan radio sucks balls and they have absolutely no good morning stations, telling myself "you have to be positive Jess" "look at it this way" "you're better than that" "it will work out" "make the best of it" All that! And I still come home crying. 


But I'm not giving up. I'm a Gemini and littlemsbitchy has had too much spotlight. Time for littmrsSUNSHINE to get back out here and join the party!!!! this really only makes sense if you know that Gemini's supposedly have 2 different "sides" or "faces" to them ;-) I'm glad I filled you in too. *thumbsup* 


SO. I think I should get an award for that lovely little the sun shines out of my ass speech..but apparently, the charming mrs mandee at [the bear naked truth] thinks otherwise! 

lovely mandee awarded me this happy101award !

i found this adorable lady through comment stalking other people on a blog we both follow. 

Of course, there's no award without a little rules. Otherwise it just ain't no fun!

Rules for happy101award

√ post who gave you this award. 

√ state ten things you like.

√ give this award to 10 other bloggers

and notify them with a comment.

10 things I'm really lovin':

1. being a mrs.
2. laughing and playing "what movie's he from???" with billy again.
3. my self-cut-while-camping-on-my-honeymoon, bangs.
4. feeling alive.
5. when Oliver brings me as many toys as he can fit in his mouth when I come home.
6. being part of my crazy amazing (extended) family.
7. that it's that patterned-fishnets-tights time of year.
8. that it's boots with everything season.
9. that you still haven't called and I feel no indifference. 
10. that this Theraflu Cold&Cough Tea tastes so amazing, there's no way I'll get even a sniffly nose this cold season!!

littmrssunshine awards you:

MileHighDude

cest' la vie

ambition never goes outta style

Merl & Bev's Greatest Adventure

Aull About Nothing

my so-called Denver

the accessories junkie

the little things we do

Have a fabulous Friday winners. While you award your own 10 bloggers, I'm gonna go hang out at Lauren's for Fill in the Blanks! woop woop 

 

Carpe Diem! sorry :P I couldn't resist.

I'm a Little Bipolar

Hope you all enjoyed that every so uplifting post this morning. But after they called me and told me about how much I was going to have to pay for my stupid car to be fixed..all I could do for awhile was just lay there. I cried, but I didn't even have the energy to go with the full motions of weeping, sniffling, and wiping my tears. They just came whether I really cared to acknowledge them or not. without getting too weepy tonight I just want to say thank you for reading along. I'm sure I'd put myself out there even if no one was reading, but because you are still reading, thank you :)

When I forced myself to lift my head to look at the time I had no choice but to pull myself up off the bed and pathetically attempt to dress and apply some make up before Julie would ring my door bell to take me to meet with our officiant, Pastor Dave. Of course I felt like cancelling. And so I gave in and took half a happy pill to help me through the rest of the day.

I don't know why .. I just don't like taking happy pills (or anti anxiety pills) but I can't deny that they do sort of work temporarily, better than they do long term. At least for me. I notice the long term side effects too much and I think that bugs me. Big time. I swear those things feel like being high without having smoked anything. My head gets fuzzy and I kinda feel like I'm floating. But at least it gets quiet in my head for awhile. Long enough for me to proper myself up to sit through an hour long meeting with the pastor and even put on a smile when I walk into work.

Luckily, I have a fantastic job. With people that without knowing too much can read everything right off my face and need less than an hour to cheer me up, make me feel loved, or at least a little bit special, and even make me laugh. You seriously have to be able to just laugh even at the shittiest things happening in your life. Giant or tiny. Even if you just want to cry about it, the second you give it just a little comical spin, you know you can get through it eventually. And probably sooner than you think if you've already cracked a smile.

thankfully for me (I'm just a serious lucky girl) I have amazing friends like Ry that are willing to drop quite a bit and offer for the third time in less than a week to help me with my car and even fix it for me. You're pretty stellar Ry. I owe you mucho :)

How else would we make it through this crazy life thing if we didn't have co-workers to make you laugh and remind you not to take things so seriously. Friends to help you and rescue you from the side of the road for the third time. New friends that you can make new laughs with and giggle about the stupidest things. Moms and sisters who are nothing but the best support systems out there. And boys that love you so, they still send you love notes (even if it's just through text) 5 years after you've been dating and pout to the point of temper tantrum, because they miss you terribly. ♥

We wouldn't. that's why I'm going to bed a happy girl. Counting myself lucky for these pretty little people I call friends, family, lovers, (?) :P alright now I'm just being too sappy. :)

Everybody hates Picture day

Day 8 of the challenge calls for a picture that makes me angry/sad. Not that surprising considering that yesterday I had to share a picture with you that made me happy. Funny thing is, that today, anything would make me sad I think.

I'm overloaded. Exhausted. And over it. Over certain people in my life that are walking blindly, stubbornly through this world and most importantly selfishly. Today I happen to not care if I sound whiny. If I'm drowning in self pity, because I kinda am. At least it feels that way. I try so hard not to. But today, all sense of caring to be proper, polite, or giving a damn of what people will say about my behavior, has left me. The only thing I have strength for on a day like this is to just go through the motions. Whether I'm fully there or not. I don't really care.

I don't think you can consider it ironic that I clicked the link to my blog to see what today's challenge question is, thinking it might make me feel better, and it's really only doing the opposite. I don't have an image that makes me particularly angry or sad. But I'm pretty sure if I had a digital copy of one it would be a picture of my dad. Which now that I think about it, applies to both adjectives the question is asking of me. They make me incredibly angry and at the same time I can tell if I would let them, they would be able to reach the deepest heart strings of mine and fiddle at them. However, lucky me, I've done pretty good at tucking those to the very back.
And since my wall has been successfully erected for the day, even though I can tell you that that's the image I would include in this post, 1) i can't and 2) even if I did..it wouldn't phase me.

I have this weird ability to take things I know are going to run me over like a freight train and switch the tracks so they go the other way for awhile until I am ready for them to come back and deal with them, then. 

Turning Down the Volume

I have no shame telling you that it's Friday afternoon. Evening is right around the corner and I am spending it alone, with my two dogs, my favorite bowl of cereal, and the comfiest pair of sweats.
At first I thought - "UUUhhh I get to spend the whole night blogging!" But because this is my fourth draft for tonight I think I have to come to the conclusion that the words are left me for tonight. Maybe even for the week. Maybe they went kaputt a little with along with my car. On a nice warm, anti stress vacation in Fiji.

Those bitches.

So while I was getting my mom ready for her hot date I kept contemplating: "Do I just wanna order terrible food and order in?" "Do I just wanna pop in a movie and lay around for two hours..blogging and facebooking on the side?" "No I'll read!" Then my mom left and I was somewhat like a little rabbit surrounded by coyotes (I'm so from colorado, aren't i?) and couldn't deal with all the options staring at me!

Then I came to my own rescue all by simple googling of "watch house". Now I've got the first episode all loaded and ready to go..I'm going to leave you with a few simple words for the evening and the quickest 411 of what's happening with littmssunshine right now and even complete my day 6 of the 30 day blogging challenge!!! All in ONE post. After that, I am turning my phone on vibrate. Closing all of my google Chrome windows except the one with the loaded House episode, stretch out on my bed and turn off my world for a bit.

1. My life right now at this very moment is chaos, waiting, and anxiety. (That last one's really a mean fat bitch). My car broke down - I don't know why. I missed my wedding gown fitting - thanks to my car. I am stone cold broke - thank you oh happy wedding day. And I broke down and had a xanax this morning because that mfb sucker punched me in the cheek. Trust me, I am not one of those people that is more proud to admit that "Oh I am soooo stressed out..I am seriously, like, having an emotional breakdown" than a little ashamed by it so this is not easy for me to say, but this morning, I had one. Last night after my car broke down and I made it back to work I had to sneak in the bathroom, pull myself together really hard and just went through the motions of closing the store, making it home and letting sleep wash over me as fast as it would take me. I know it's not healthy to try and just turn it off but I don't know where else I'm going to find the energy to worry about even more things. So they're getting put on a sticky note, taped to my life's forehead and are going to be dealt with later.

2. Day 6 of the challenge is my favorite and also my shortest entry so far. It asks Whatever tickles your fancy and this I couldn't have found at a better time. Through the challenge I have admitted that I am a sucker for old, complicated, passionate love. There are hundreds of exceptions out there, I'm not that naive, but I think there are a lot of people today that forget this very important detail about loving someone and being loved. So much so that they let it get in the way, let their selfishness and dissatisfaction with themselves take over, and push the people away that truly love them the most. More than maybe anyone after they are gone, will ever love them. 

Love Thyself

Do you ever find yourself behind the steering wheel late at night coming home from a dinner, work, school, or even traveling to or from somewhere far away...thinking about whatever might be stressing you out and nagging at yourself that you should have done this or you should have done that or racking your brains about why things are so shitty stressful and never seem to go right?


What the hell are we doing??


Why are we complaining? Why are we waisting our energy on people that we might love dearly but simply are way too demanding for our own good? I am all for supporting friends and family unconditionally, especially loving them, but at the end of the day, if you are driving down that road and realize that those people are sucking the life out of you, is that really fair?


What are you getting in return? Puffy eyes when things get to be too much. Attempts to tell those people how they are hurting us and maybe even the relationship between us that just get shot right back in our face?


No. Probably just more melodrama that has nothing to do with us in the first place. Happy fucking birthday to you love.


My favorite is realizing that you have let this take over your life, made it your own problem so much that it actually becomes your problem and waking up one day popping anti-anxiety meds because someone else's life has become unmanageable. WHAT??? I'm pretty sure that is not how it works kids. 


Stand up for yourself. If no one is going to rub your back then for crying out loud rub your own. Tell them no. Ignore that call. Or simply, don't be so hard on yourself. If you don't have the heart to say "you're being a baby - wake up and smell the roses" then have the heart to tell yourself that it's okay to still be happy in your own life, make your own choices and pathways, regardless of others.

Leaving you with some appropriate tunage..who doesn't wish they were still a kid?

I just have to blair this when I have these thoughts running through my head..so please

Control yourself, take only what you need from me 

:)

Let's Take A Drive Shall We?

So I need your major help. I need serious advice. N and I have been fighting like mad lately, because we are stressed beyond belief and I just don't know what to do. And so I thought - why not ask someone else?

I am pretty sure I posted news about the unfortunate events of N and I not being able to stay in the house we are currently living in, in Fort Collins. And I know that I talked about being promoted at work, not in position but to a bigger store which will do more volume and I'll still get a pay increase. The new store location is downtown Denver, which posed a bigger consideration to N and I about where we would try and live.

Our dilema is that my job is now in downtown Denver and his business is still in Fort Collins. Since he's on the upstart of his business he works 10 - 12 hours a day. For the past few weeks we have been searching desperately for places up and down I-25 that's not too small because we have Oli but obviously something that we can still afford. Well, every time we've found something, it's gone by the time we try to find out about it. We have also asked my dear friend B if she'd like to live with us for the next year, since we are definitely not as financially stable as we'd like to be and could use the extra help, especially if we can afford a bigger place that way. This will also enable us to save for the next year since we will be getting an increase in income over the next year. 

However, as it turns out, I am basically getting the very short, shitty end of this stick, because there is nothing left and long story short after waying our options and calculating factors like gas, even though it'll be further for me, because my car is way more fuel efficient than N, we'd pay the least amount of gas money a month if we lived in Loveland. To give you a visual image: living in loveland: $400 in gas/month. living in Erie or Broomfield $700+ in gas/month :( Shitty right? My stomach turned over a little bit when we calculated this.

I am so stinking upset :( I do not want to commute 1.5+ hrs a day to and from work! But I also don't want us to have to pay all that money on gas each month. What would you do? Bite the bullet? Put your foot down and do something completely different? I'm freaking out. I want to just compromise, but is it really compromising if I'm the only one sacrificing? And I do want us to save money and have a good financial standing in the future.. but this just sucks :( Big monkey balls.

I'd love some feedback.

Happy Mother's Day.

Out of Sight and Out of Mind

When I started this blog I had no idea the things I would write about daily, let alone keep it going long enough to where I would actually fall in love with it (even more than Facebook).

So far my blogs have been sweet, mostly short, and not of huge significance to anything going on in my life currently. I tried to kind of get there when I started having thoughts about not student teaching just yet and taking on this new job that I currently love. Therefore, I almost feel as if I'm cheating myself and my readers out of something special. Especially because my description reads "honest and genuine words" and so far I don't feel I have really kept up to that.

It's not that I have a problem being open to anyone that happens to come across this or of course my followers. In fact, I find it very easy to simply spill my guts so to speak to anyone who really wants to listen. But I have a hard time finding organization within my thoughts until I actually start saying them out loud..or even writing about them, which I have not done in awhile. So without getting too carried away in reminiscing about what my deal is with all this..I guess I'll just kind of start typing about this thing in my life that I have surprisingly pushed to the back burner of my mind, and maybe even my heart, in order to not have to deal with it at all - which is so not me.

To get you somewhat up to speed (very quickly) my father has never really been a strong parent figure in my life. My parents divorced when I was young and by the time I was 14 I had moved to the US with my mother and family. He stayed behind in Germany with his new wife (and to make things easier I might as well put it out there now) who happened to also be one of his many affairs he just kept around long enough 

to replace his first wife (my mother) and pretty much his two daughters along with that (my sister and I). All of my adolescents we saw him during school vacations..we'd (my sister and I) go on one extravagant family vacation with them after another and then we made the big move here. After that we saw him once a year up until two Christmases ago when I got engaged - which was the last time I saw him - Xmas/New Year's 08/09.

Once I started college I realized my dad was not interested in really being a supportive parent when it came to things like financial support or the slightest bit of assistance, was not a figure I could go to for advice, or anything at all that didn't involve pretending things were sunshine and roses when we would see each other. In between..he never really called, emailed, or even wrote..missed occassional birthdays..didn't call for a major surgery I had when I was 18..no card, etc.

I learned to deal and just kind of accepted.

Then Nick asked for my hand in marriage during our last visit, we got engaged a couple days later while we were there and I thought - maybe there will come a time now when I can grow closer to my dad. He loves my future husband, things with him and I were great, very on the surface, but great. Even my stepmother and I had no issues and nothing but great talks over dinner and wine.

To add a little disclaimer.. Please understand that I am by no means trying to sound spoiled. However, the last few months before I got engaged I had started to dream of what my wedding would look like, the traditions I would follow and for somehow I just always had this thought that my dad would wake up and decided that he wanted to really be part of something very significant in my life and want to support me traditionally financially in my wedding, like my mother's parents did for their beautiful wedding.

Fast forward a bit and skipping the nasty details that followed as soon as I got on that plane back home to the United States in freshly-engaged bliss filled with nothing but love, optimism, and excitement. After months of trying to get a decent conversation out of my dad about a wedding budget, what he'd like to offer, help with etc, so I could start planning mine and Nick's dream day (again - whether it was going to be a backyard bbq or a lavish black tie event did not matter) it turns out that my father had zero interest in being involved in the least, and informed me that he and his wife had planned on at least two ski trips to the Alps that year and if they HAD to help out with the wedding, there wouldn't really be money left over for a ticket to make it out to the wedding at all.

I didn't know a verbal punch in the stomach could hurt worse than a physical one.

When a small donation to the wedding did arrive shortly after and my thank you email and attempted phone call went unanswered I think I just snapped. Why would I fight for some man's attention that abandoned my family before it was even ever fully complete? My entire life he's chosen against his own family, his own daughters and worried more about biannual expensive ski trips, new cars every few years, and his wife's expensive taste - I was a complete idiot for every being hopeful that deep down he really did want to be a father. Let alone the father of the bride.

So now it's been roughly 4-5 months since I last spoke to him (via email). I did not call for Christmas. And not for New Year's. I have no desire. I don't miss him. I don't care to wish him happy anything. And I absolutely, under no circumstances ask him to walk me down the aisle and give me away at the altar. I have the most perfect individual in my life that has walked beside me through thick and thin my entire life and I would want no one else to hold my hand walking down that aisle than her.

And yet, even though I genuinely feel very very little sadness about the whole thing, I am completely and most definitely devastated. I am torn between not giving a shit and simply not being able to understand. Why? Why to so many, thousands of questions that I have that I know will never get answered that I ask myself - why bother?

It seems it'd be life times easier (and I'd probably save thousands of dollars on therapy) to just go with the 50% of my emotions that have never had a father, never needed one, and will not need one now. Hasn't he been out of sight my entire life? So why can't he just go out of mind.