Oodalelli.

via.

I'm starting you off with a little disclaimer tonight, because over the last few months I have built up some serious writer's block and am here to tell you that I am having the hardest time breaking through it. So if my posts are a little out of whack here and there...just bare with me :) it's all good. I'll find my groove. I have no doubt fun things to share with you. Apparently I'm just a little rusty. 

N and I killed away the afternoon playing couch potatoes after full days of work + school for us. I am so looking forward to the weekend and every single weekend to come in April, because I have them all off which hasn't happened since.. my wedding and it's going to be (and has been already!) filled with family times, birthdays, Denver adventures, and a big fat shopping trip to H&M this coming Saturday. April, you're gonna be a good one. 

And since this week I'm keeping busy with catching up on my cleaning, sunshine walks, work, and exercise time..I decided that I'm going to just catch you up on a few things this evening. you're bursting with excitement, I know. 

Here are my few things:

#1. N and I moved {back} to Fort Collins - we are loving it here and haven't had things go this smoothly for us in a while. It's a nice change, to say the least. 

#2. While N went back to finish school, I have taken a next step in my retail/management career - one that definitely has positively surprised the crap out of me. Happy happy me! 

#3. I managed to lose 15lbs. I don't really like to share those things but I'm really proud of it so there. I'm now working on whipping my butt into shape a little bit for my 25th birthday this year. ... <-- that last bit there might qualify as #4. 

#5. My new playlist is repeat playing Mumford & Sons, Foster the People + The Black Keys. 

#6. I don't think my Pinterest will last through the month...I just can't get that..interested ;) - but seriously, Lauren couldn't have said it better today. It's a cool site, but it stresses me out! In truth, I will never do anything with all those pictures, recipes, diy's..and I don't spend all my time browsing the web to find them to even pin them in the first place. Buh - bye Pinterest account. 

#7. The last book I really read was a rerun through the Hunger Games' Trilogy which threw me on such a weird emotional roller coaster I wasted away about 4 library books. None of which I really remember. (And yes, I'm totally fishing for recommendations.)

#8. I have developed a full blown addiction to The Walking Dead. It's bad. Fall can't come soon enough. Well, maybe. ;)

I think those are enough things for tonight. I'm happy, life's good, no I'm not having babies and my hate for Facebook gets worse each day :P 

2 days til the weekend! Woohoooo :) 

xo . jess

cleaning habits.

I can't deny that I'm fairly quickly getting a hand on this domestic thing. Cleaning, cooking, and obsessing over the never ending decor + organizational possibilities, have all recently become past times of mine. My cleaning obsessions have taken it to a bit of a new level, but it always leaves me wondering how I get so messy in such a short time period?? Anyway, my innocent 2-3 hour cleaning rages have turned into myentireSaturdayoff cleaning frenzies. But it's all good. This is more a confession than a complaint. :P My sister's voice always echoes in my head, when I realize several hours of cleaning have gone by and I'm reorganizing our storage closet for the third time since we've moved in, "Gawd jesska, quit cleaning everything!". 

So it happens that I found myself on such a Saturday this past weekend, on the floor in my bathroom organizing my side of the cupboard, which holds of course, 15 times the health & beauty products than N's side. Once I took a look at the recent state of my make up bag I couldn't bare to zip it back up without deciding to give it a good clean. 

This is serious stuff ladies. I have seen some seriously scary looking make up bags and this is me slapping you in the back of the head. Nothing wrong with giving yourself 20 minutes tops on a lazy day to give your daily make up tools a quick bath. :-) don't make me use the "think of the germs" line on you. 

First off, I realize there are plenty of cleaners you can buy for this kind of stuff, but I keep it simple, repeat at least once a month, and my make up + wallet stay happy. 

how to: clean your make-up kit

1. Collect your needed utensils - Towels, paper towels, 2 jars of water ( 1 hot + 1 cold ), Johnson's baby shampoo, and of course your make up bag  

2. Start with your brushes as they will take the longest to dry.

 3. Squirt a little of baby shampoo in the hot water jar ( large mason jars are perfect for this) and give your brushes a good scrub.

 4. Rinse + sometimes repeat. :-)

5. Pat your brushes dry with a paper towel, squeezing out the excess water. 

6. Lay out your brushes to dry - *depending on the thickness and type of brush they could take up to 24 hours to dry. Plan accordingly ladies :) 

7. Empty out the rest of your eye shadows, blushes, lipsticks, etc..take a damp paper towel and give them all a little scrub. Most importantly, don't forget to take your actual bag and dump + scrub out all that gooeyness :-) Lay everything out on towels to air dry. 

8. And if you haven't already noticed in previous shots :-) your face will thank you!!!

good habits, ladies :-) good habits. 

xo . jess 

Confessions and Church Clothes

I should confess to you that unfortunately I won't have any updates to post on my thrifting. Actually, while I'm coming clean..I won't have any shopping posts to share from the summer or for the next month or so. N and I decided that we are both in need of serious new wardrobes. I of course have taken this to a whole other level than just buying some new clothes. :) C'mon, it's me here.

Don't get me wrong I only buy the things I love and even when I take them to sell, thrift, or give them away I still love them - I just change my style. A lot. And this time I feel as if I've grown up in my fashion confidence slightly and I'm really looking to revamp myself just a little bit. Grow up in my style just a bit. :) And since my love for thrifting goes both ways, if I have something hanging in my closet that I just don't wear month after month, I start to feel guilty, because no matter how much I love something, it doesn't mean I'll end up actually wearing it. And if I love something but won't wear it, I'd much rather pass it along or put it out there for the person that's going to love it and wear it to find - and I get to replace the empty hanger with something I love and will wear. 

Hopefully :)

And because I won't deny that I was actually less useless than a couch potato yesterday after we came home from my brother's soccer game (after we had spent the morning in the Springs which required getting up at 3:30am) I have no problem admitting that I laid around in my bed online shopping the shit out of h&m. And since we are only +weeks+ away from the very first h&m to open here in Denver (and I have front row seats to the whole show from my store's entrance) I need to start gathering inspiration for this

*brand new wardrobe*

(excuse me a sec - eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - I'm quite excited.)

Here are a couple of my must haves I've bookmarked so far. (Oh H&M, you cannot open soon enough!)

all images via

blouses, sweaters & everything comfy:  

mhh..skinny jeans and boots for a weekend with N ♥ 

bottoms:

I owned a grey pair last season and can't wait to have these ones!

how else do you survive weekends without boyfriend jeans?

my addiction for high waisted shorts simply carriers over to jeans. 

dresses & skirts:

you know you always buy two colors of something you really love. 

to me this cut of jean skirt is classic. I've been out on the lookout for one of these for years. 

vests & jackets: 

I'm already itching to bring out my vests from last season. 

I live in Colorado. Down vests are your best friends girls. 

I have collected 12 blazers. They're always going to be a must have for me :)

accessories: 

shoes:{total image fail I know}

I must have a pair of Oxfords this season. 

---

what are you adding to your fall must-have list?

---

xo . jess

little landslide.

Good morning kids.

(alright so this is a picture of a sunset. just go with it.)

I know right. I come back and disappear again. We were having some technical difficulties at the house the past week so cut off from the world we were. I even missed a Too(s)day post. I know. Complete and total failure.

No biggie. It's the weekend. And it just so happens that I have it o.f.f. That's right I even had to spell it out for you. :) We're in the middle of blackout so I'm making the most of this little jem weekend. N is working a marathon this morning in Colorado Springs and since I'm serious about making the most of this weekend I hitched a ride with that handsome man and am spending the (very early!) morning all by myself.

Me time (always) = a great time.

I hope it's not selfish. But me time is fantastic time. And I don't think I've given myself enough of it lately. I think I've entered a very reflective phase in my life. Or...I haven't figured out what phase I'm really in and I'm finding myself being more reflective and introverted trying to figure it out. Maybe that's isolation. But I don't care. I'm too much of a doubter. A questioner. I'm always questioning myself in reference to what others might think, feel, do..and I've decided to rethink the energy I'm spending on melodrama, daily stresses and opinions.

Before I married N, I knew without a doubt I had to have him in my life, every day, for the rest of my days. Every day I'm with him, I want to better myself. I don't want to be rude, or whiny, or negative (my favorite). He shows me and reminds me every day that we have so much to be thankful for, count ourselves lucky for, and that there is no reason to go through life always wishing we had more, did more, owned more,{whatever I feel like bitching about that day} and for that, I am so glad.

We are free. We're in love. And we laugh. From morning till night. And lately, I've realized that it's one thing to want to be a better person, but a completely different thing to actually be a better person. And that is me. Working on finding that better person in myself. The person that's not necessarily stuck in the "waiting zone" of life, but it's safe to say I've completed the most recent phase of my life and I'm trying to figure out what the next one holds. Most likely my little loss of direction is because the possibilities are endless and I'm beginning to grasp that idea and asking myself "what are you going to do with it?"

So I hope in the meantime I'm as entertaining, loving, and always hilarious, not to forget smart assy (N's favorite quality about me) and know I am not over here blowing up a big balloon of self isolation...but happiness comes from within and so that's where I'm going to start.

xo . jess

quoting Juno.

You're gonna have to do me a huge solid and just sit tight with me. 

Things are aall over the place right now. Nothing too overwhelming, lots of good things actually!! And as much as I wish that I could sit down and share them as I go, I'm trying really hard to keep a healthy balance and it's been a couple of weird months. :) I have my entire blogger list securely downloaded on my trusted google reader app on ma evooo, so I'm keeping up on all your blogging goodness and it's keeping me connected! I'm just gonna be the girl that's faking cramps in P.E. so she doesn't have to. 

"You're golden, man." - Juno

xo . jess 

dear diary, i need an update.

spent the day at my sister's house lounging and watching movies. we were supposed to unpack and decorate her new place. oops. we rainchecked for friday. 

got a bit of a word heavy post for you, but..I think it's a good one. 

I'm not really much of an "updater". I try to squeeze little tidbits about the happenings in my every day life in with posts here and there. But lately I am asking myself if I've been just plain vague with you lately, but then I'm not sure if it's just me and I'm talking myself up to sitting down and spewing out a little bullet pointed post to make myself feel better; not you guys. You're going to find this really strange, the behavior and thought process of mine that I'm about to share with you guys. But for the first time in a few months I can feel footage again. Routine has settled back into my life and even though I am desperate to still make changes to my surroundings, I am welcoming that routine with open arms!

I'm justifying this coming back down moment with the events that moving out of your house, graduating college, new apartment, watching your fiancée move halfway across country without you only 4 months prior to your wedding, alone in said apartment, planning your wedding, lots of family, get married, go on honeymoon, pack up life, drive across country, new apartment, same job new store, endless home searching, making a 180 and packing up things again, going back home, living with parents, same job new store again, realizing hey - we got married (!!!!!!!!!) is a lot of fucking events for a timeline that is shy of 9 months. 


The other morning, N and I were starting to wake up yet still dozing, and at one point I turned my head to N and whispered "it's so, quiet."
Let's just say, being able to keep up with laundry, making the bed, balancing (and gaining back!) my energy between work and getting to the gym on a regular basis is a big thing for me. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. So let me skip ahead to that "bulleting" I had mentioned earlier and give you a quick witty update of what's been going on, what's happening, and what's to come!

what's been going on

• work. work. work. me, I'm working downtown still and either loving or hating it. Literally, but they're starting to meet in the middle and there too I feel I have found more balance. Since we've been back I feel like I've just been throwing myself into work and nothing else but coming home and taking refuge on the couch. (combined with my winter blues that was reeeal attractive) I did tell you that I was running again and I can already feel my energy rushing back some days and something's gotta happen cuz I'm not going back to work + couch = my life. no sir. 
• so, you know how girls are usually their skinniest at their wedding? (I say skinny not healthy, because I've been there. I know it's not about healthy it's about looking as tiny as possible in that stupid dress. Alright, NOT stupid..but true.) Well, although I don't think I looked fat on my wedding day, I was neither healthy nor skinny. And several months later, I am realizing that the time around my wedding I was the unhealthiest I've ever been. I think I worked out maybe 3 times last year? I've battled weight, stomach, and emotional issues over this and no more. Again this is getting better and better. 
• my hair is growing and I looove it! and I'm so sorry Hair(too)sday has been off air lately. I've honestly just been giving my locks a break from all experiences and just getting a feel for it getting longer again and playing with the length, etc. i'm a little sad, cuz I've noticed that growing back, it's not as curly as it was before the 13 inches of curl awesomeness. but I think I like where it's going :)

what's happening

• n is desperately on the job hunt and lately our mini battles have been about him going back and finishing school sooner rather than later. 
• we have decided to move downtown Denver (!!!!! YAAY!) and are both totally smiley faced about it. we have the rest of our lives to live in suburbia and there's financial things we want to accomplish and want to put first before getting a bigger place for the two of us and so nixed a house in the butt. it's funny because we are very flipped from a lot of our friends. we already lived in our house and had a house. so for us it's cool and new to think of a smaller more intimate place for just us two. therefore, we are on a desperate search at the moment. 
• lately I've been mulling all kinds of emotions over and over. From feeling different, very different in my own skin to my priorities now, to feeling completely new things in my relationship with n, wondering (with n aloud sometimes) what happens when everything starts to feel like marriage, to wanting and embracing the simpler things. I won't deny that I've been a very introverted person lately. I've not kept in touch, only seen very little of my friends, some not at all, but I can't help but ignore that even when the contact is there, I'm not much of interest, but...I'm starting to think that that's okay. I think I even prefer it that way for now. 

what's to come

• continuing right on from the previous part, I think turning 24 next month is going to be really good for me. I have this image of myself in my head of the person that I want to be, but I'm not sure if I'm all the way her yet. I know, I'm just trying to come up with a different way of saying I'm trying to find myself, but call it what you want, I'm even keeping a diary again lately. 
• I want to add to the sort of lost thought a few lines back about being "ignored" by friends ..I didn't mean this negatively, but at first I think my reaction was, "well why does no one like me?" to "maybe they are sick of hearing about me" for awhile. I did just get married and even though I don't think I was that kind of bride to be, it was a long engagement and the months leading up to the big even were quite stressful on not just me. as much as I want my relationships rekindled, I think I needed this time out. 
• last on the list is graduations, birthdays, successes, summertime, and new beginnings!! And come on, you know me, nothing's ever complete without a little d.raamaa.a :)

spring cleaning brings closet cleaning!

Today I spent the afternoon cleaning my out reorganizing and beautifying my closet and this was the end result. 

I WISH! :D 

Are you kidding? I drooled on myself the first time I saw this picture via. This is every little bit of a 

d.r.e.a.m. closet. But for some reason, having a lot of clothes in my closet, knowing there are items I'm not wearing and just having them in my closet drives me crazy, because sometimes I'll get desperate, pull out that one sweater I know I'll hate as soon as I put it on, I curse myself because once it's on it looks just as terrible as the last time I tried it and I still don't know why I keep putting it back on the closet shelf. 

However, even though I'm sad to say that beautiful closet is not mine, I'm very pleased with my afternoon spent closet cleaning. It was very cleansing. Very positive. (I know. This sounds pathetic. But hey, I told you this was meonajourney. You don't have to keep reading ;)) I myself of sweaters, dresses, tights, skirts, blazers, jackets, even jewelry (!!) that I constantly keep around to remind myself of how little I wear them. I don't know why, but I cannot hold on to things. It's like I'm the opposite of a hoarder. 

I don't wanna keep anything around I don't like anymore, or more specifically, that I know I won't wear. To get even more pathetic, I think my clothes, more so than anything, are my favorite way to express myself. Which would explain why I'm going through such a weird time. :)

As good as it felt to separate items into "goodwill" "buffaloexch" "handmedown" I'm even more excited to spend a couple more months working out, hopefully shaping up a little bit and maybe even *fingerscrossed* my stomach will be more healthy, saving money and then planning a big summer shopping spree. In the mean time I plan to make a list and create sort of a checklist for "the perfect closet". I can't wait to start my new

*grown up* wardrobe. 

But of course, because I firmly believe you should never take yourself too seriously and because I just can't part from these items :) -at least not yet- here are the pieces that tugged on my clotheslovingheartstrings too much:

the carrie bradshaw inspired pale pink tulle skirt I wore to my bachelorette party

my -other- perfectly pearl colored knee length tutu skirt. tutu's man. they get me.

the bunny sweater. how adorable would this be cutepregnant with leggins and flats?! I'm telling you. I don't think I could ever part from it :) (alright, damnit. I just made a baby reference. I meant what I said yesterday :P)

(remember the specialty Target line from last year that mimicked Alice in Wonderland? This is from that line. I loved it so when it came out but it was spendier than I could afford at the time. Then, more than four months later I think, I found this dress (which had been my favorite one) for less than $10 on the sale rack. I was in love all over again. Plus, I wore it to our rehearsal dinner, so I really couldn't part. 

xo . jess

99 luftballons.

I think I hit my limit tonight. I don't think I can go another day without my blog. I've been terrible the last couple weeks. I tried to sort of keep you updated on what was going on. But as much as I wanted to share my thoughts with you, I probably couldn't even have made sense of anything I would have tried to share, anyway. 

I'm a terrible, 

"let me explain myself"

person. 

However, in my own defense, I've been run down lately. My health has been all over the place. My stomach problems are worse than ever. Gluten Free trial was a bust. Still no answers and more symptoms to add to my list of my stomach mysteries, emotionally a bit drained, annoyed, and to tell you the truth. 

I think it's going to be an interesting year. 

I feel older. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to me to be turning 24 this year. The past couple of years I felt pretty confident in my skin. Knew who I was, had a solid style that consisted of bows, polka dots, and tulle skirts, had a fiance and just graduated college. 

Now. I've been out of college for a year. I'm a married woman. I LOVE being a married woman and yea..there's a natural sense of nesting grumbling in my tummy. But, more of the "I want to have a cute home for my husband and me" not "let's turn the office into a nursery" type of grumbling. I don't even have an office yet. Let's get there first, ya? So every body chill. (I swear, the next time I have a cold and am sick and someone asks "are you pregnant?" I might hurt them. I'm quite educated in that area, thank you. I promise to inform you immediately if such a thing occurred.) 

Where were we? Oh ya. Kids. Or, not kids. >anyway<

I'm feeling different. Right. Here we go. Nesting feeling. My priorities are changing. But at the same time I'm realizing there are a lot of things I still want to do and for the sake of my youth, these are reasons why parenthood is not the top of my list. I'm too selfish. I really am. 

Plus, until I can quit my crying, I'm simply not ready. (More health issues underlined in that sentence there.) But seriously, my self confidence is at an all time low, my energy is down, my diet & exercise suck (even though I've started going again already) and clearly..I've got a year of self discovery ahead of me. Which is awesome! Love it. Let's explore :) I guess I just had to say all this out loud because I'm proud of myself for getting my ducks in line. I was about to fall off my chair I think. I had some rough days the past couple of weeks, and I'm ready for some changes. Positive energy. And some closet cleaning :) 

Oh, don't you worry. 

You'll get front row seats for the show :)

Missed you guys SO much. I vow to be the follower and love leaver I was before and keep things around here much more entertaining. 

xo . jess

schneegloeckchen.

I'm in a real funk kids. Big time. I'm so moody lately. Unmotivated. Lazy. Tired. And just wanna work almost. Just sleep, and work. It's weird. And every night I sit down in my chair or on the couch or hop up on my bed with laptop in hand ready to blog a little. And then I just end up sitting here, getting distracted with the tv, or Facebook (embarrassing I know :P blogger is so much cooler) and nothing comes. And then sometimes the second I sit down I get tired and I just wanna go lay down.

It's sooooo blaaah! And I apologize, if you've only been following this blog recently, it has been seriously, boooring in littmssunshine's place. I promise, just go look back at my archive, the saaame thing happened last year - I was on a big blogging spree, posting almost everyday and then I go into this huuuge slump in February/March and hardly blog, well, I think it's that time of year when I sort of come out of my winter blues.

I'm a true believer of the short term slight depression/anxiety period of time some people call "winter blues". But the happy part about this post, is that I've now realized it's happy time! I'm thawing from the winter so to speak. Spring is just around the corner (on some 80 degree days it feels it went straight to summer!) and I'm thawing right along.

Forkasknife Handicapped

Apparently, the way Americans eat their food is with one utensil. The fork, that's right. They use this utensil to mash, cut, stab, gather, scoop, poke, separate - basically anything you can possibly do with any utensil. It's crazy! I've never seen anything like it. Whenever I eat with other people around, I always end up looking at the way people eat with their fork. It's pretty much the biggest pet peeve "cultural difference" I have: that Americans do not eat with knife AND fork. I think it's so embarrassing. I don't even know how to describe it. I love when I'm home at a restaurant and people have both their hands resting on the edge of the table, waving their arms around while they talk, laugh, and shout about, yet eating their food with class.

Is that completely absurd, or what!!? I can't even eat my left over Noodles & Co. Mac&Cheese from the box with just a fork. How do you even get Parmesan Chicken strips separated like that?? And how do you hold up the whole box with one hand and stab-separate-poke with the other?!!

This is one thing I love about myself: the fact that I can't eat without my fork AND knife. And yes, I totally have to have a fork AND a spoon when I eat spaghetti!!!! When I secretly and quietly notice small unique things about myself that I know are because I am a born and raised German native, I can't help but feel my heart smile ear to ear. Makes me so proud.

(i must own this mug.)

xo . jess

I love you SP.

Alright. I have to confess. I have this thing. This, activity, I guess you could call it, that I looove to do. Some people look down on it and are completely turned off by it. Some people, mostly guys, totally get it. So, I guess in a way you could say that this is such "a guy" thing for me to do, when I tell people, it kind of shocks them (!?) in a way. Unless you know me know me :) then you've unfortunately have been exposed to that attractive side of me and I can be lucky if you're still in my life after. 


I know I'm treading some serious thin ice here. I'm afraid that I might even lose a follower or two, but I feel fantastic lately; I'm energized, positive, less anxious, laughing, quickly getting better and better at letting things bounce off-vent for five minutes-and move on, and shit, this is still my blog and I refuse not to be myself. So, I apologize in advance. I'm going in. I hope you'll still love me after the fact. Maybe I'll find that I'm making a big too*hoot about nothing and you're going to meet me on the other side saying, wait, that was it? 

Whether I'm alone or with a group of guy friends, 

or with my little brother late at night when it's just us two home and we're hanging out in either one of our rooms' ...

>> watching <<

If you're still here and are screaming "me tooo!" - yay! Let's be bffs. :P I don't know why. I just looooooove this show. Over the past 3 years I have always had roommates most of them boys, including N. When we lived in our house in Fort Collins we rented out our 2 other bedrooms to friends. Somehow, well - not somehow - living with 3 boys will do it, but watching South Park quickly became a ritual, then part of every late night hang out and pretty soon, I was hooked. 

One of my best friends Johannes who lives back home is ten times worse - but together we know how amazing South Park is! :P When he came here for my wedding he wanted to go to South Park soo bad..but we just couldn't find the time. He is trying to get back here to study later this year so I will definitely take him then. But I remember having a conversation about it when he was here that I was saying that I feel almost like you sort of have to live in Colorado to really love it. I feel like there are always so many obvious and not so obvious Colorado references that just make the show. 

Don't get me wrong. I have seen my fair share of South Park episodes that just go one step over the line and okay..then I'll kind of not get so into the episode. But the majority are harmless, true, genius, and most importantly, hilarious. It's as simple as that. 

I hope I have not offended you - like I said the show can be pretty out there. But I feel better to have been able to share this side of me with you here tonight :) :) :) 

xo . jess

Coming Back to You

I am so sorry you guys. Life has been running in the *blink* of an eye! I looked today and had to swallow the fact that I haven't blogged in 5 days! NO BUENO, NO!!

I have been working and having off, spending time with friends, going to the gym on a daily basis - go me!, doing chores, loving my husband, and getting some serious me time. I am taking the rest of tonight off to think about whether or not I'm going to come back tomorrow recaping some of the highlights I've kept from you the past week/days and promise, 

pinky*promise

to be back in full swing tomorrow. 

I have even gained >>2 brandspankinnew new followers<< in this little moment of silencio, so I better get my act together and get back on my blogging rocking horsey first thing tomorrow. 

I hope you'll still love me in the mornin*

xo . jess

Diagnosis: Paranoia.

I love you guys. And because I do, I'm advising you now, with a warm hand on your shoulder, that in the event you should be feeling a little ill or experiencing some weird symptom that you've never had before (like I have been for the past two days), if you're a girl, wouldn't hurt to double check the baby thing first, but whatever you do

don't Google your symptom. 

I've been having this weird pain in my chest and throat, more like, esophagus really, because it's much lower than when you say "sore throat" and I simply cannot figure out what's up. Did I get something stuck and it's actually tearing a bit at my esophagus and it's inflamed?! Is it anxiety???

Can't be the last one if you ignore the fact that I sort of woke up and left my brain under the covers today, and I've actually had pain when swallowing. 

So, off to Google I go.

And what does it tell me? Something that includes all my symptoms that basically just means you swallow like an idiot and when you do so it hurts. Oh yea, and bad teeth can cause it. 

Really?

Really??

Really funny. I'm so gonna have dentures by the time I'm 30. Email me if you would like to place your bets. 

Aaaanyway. It was a blah Sunday. But a beautiful one I'm sure. Supposedly some arctic winter front checked in late last night and tucked us into the prettiest white blankets this morning. It was soo pretty. Everything white. 

Like in Home Alone when they show the house perfectly peaceful on Christmas morning :) But for me, a snow hating weekend worker, got to make myself presentable and steer my little two door Chevy down I-25. It really wasn't bad and work wasn't that trying either. I was just in a mood.  

And so, I leave you with this little gem. Sorry, you're getting all my attractive sides tonight, including confusedmoddyJessica who doesn't really know how to explain things lately so she just agrees with this: 

Surpreeeese!!

pronounced: [suh-preeze]


There are quite a few items on my "clear things up list" today and I am so excited to share them with you. I hope you like surprises and will forgive me for my serious absence this week via my blog and my Twitter..but since Tuesday night I was busy sitting my butt in my car driving home to my beautiful and beloved home in

{Colorado}

For the past few weeks Nick and I have known that we would be coming home. We wanted to surprise our friends and family for the holidays and therefore only told a few people that we needed to :) Our journey in Michigan was a great experience filled with wonderful people, growth, and some amazing time alone. We wouldn't trade it and even though we weren't planning on being home so soon, how sad can we be to be back in this beautiful state we call home. It really is the best place on earth :) Seeing family yesterday was so uplifting and amazing and a bit surreal. I feel like everything has been one big dream but I am looking forward to getting our feet back on the ground, letting life settle around us after the wedding and such and just living. 

So many amazing things and events have happened in 2010 that honestly, I have no problem if for the next half year or so my life includes nothing but working, seeing friends and family regularly, getting healthy, and enjoying my newlywed self :) This year has been an adventure and if for the next x amount of months absolutely nothing happens, you will find me completely content on the other end. :) 

Now you know and I can stop feeling like I am going to explode keeping this a secret :D I know I also missed Hair Tuesday this week - I will make it all up to you, I pinky promise!!! I will play along with Lauren's blanks later on today - for now I've got to listen to my nagging husband whose waiting for my help to unpack and unload our things :) 

Have a happy Friday!!!!! Love, your ever happy always smiling self proclaimed Colorado native. 

xo . jess

..Back and Forth you Wrap me..

I usually become obsessed with lovey or serious songs a lot. And when I say obsessed it's because I've most likely tied the song to some certain event in my life that I then have to think about every time I hear this song.



Well I surprised myself again for once by becoming completely obsessed with this song in only the last 2 days. I caught myself in the car today completely rockin out and smiling to this song today with the radio blasting. I'd heard it a couple days ago and thought that the beat was catchy and pretty but then today I was in the car and I was listening to every word and then it happened. I got completely lost in a time span of about 2 months about 5 years ago in my life. I was completely fallin in love with N at the time and I love thinking back to this time and this song brought out memories I had completely forgotten about, about N and I.

The words these two sing to each other in the song are so parallel to what our relationship was like when we first got involved. We were both so shy around each other yet so sexually attracted to each other..yet whenever we got 5 minutes to ourselves we would turn into the best friends that just sat around and laughed and entertained each other with the others stupidity. It was the most intimate complex relationship I had ever felt with anyone. I was so attracted to him that sometimes when we were at parties we'd pretend not to know each other and flirt like we were complete strangers, but then when we were with friends we'd just give each others these smiles all night and N will still sometimes do it to this day - I love catching him do it. But when it was just the two of us we were so comfortable, at home with each other. It was like the next time being around each other was more addicting than the next.

I have no idea why but whenever I hear this song I just have these flash memories of us laughing together, flirting, and being together I forget everything around me while it's playing.

I don't think I could have ever hoped for myself to be any happier than I am right now with him in my life.

Spread The Joy.

So I realize that it's right around the spirit of peace and love and above all joy and that I should be all candy canes and peppermint, but my job is killing me tonight. I say "tonight" to make myself a little less stressed, because at the end of the day no matter how much I hate it "overall" instead, I have to stay there because we rely 110% on that money and I will not find something until after the holiday season. So, "tonight", it is.

I'm going to try and keep this brief, because I don't want to vent about my job online that much, but I just have to get this, perfectly legit, frustration off my chest. So when we moved out here I kept the same position that I had in Colorado. I was simple being transferred to a new store. Well, in Colorado I was part of a fantastic management team, worked in a supporting and growth fuelling (?) environment, haha I mean that I felt like my boss cared about my growth as a manager and move up in the company lol (aka growth fuelling haha ). I quickly had the opportunity to help first hand in a pretty big project that required a lot of my time and I got to experience very much for a person in my position. Quickly after I was offered a promotion that I had to turn down even then, because I didn't feel right taking this position and what the position was for when I already knew I was going to leave the district so soon.

Then..I end my last couple of weeks quietly at my position and get transferred out here after being off for a month for my wedding, our honeymoon, and our trip out here.

The first day here was a complete disaster. I was so .. "rusty" .. I had forgotten how to do everything for a couple hours and my new manager looked at me like I was crazy. "I'm sorry. I just got married. I'm a stupid lovedrunk newlywed - I KNOW. But can you laugh with me just a little??"
No. Not a crack of the slightest smile. The rest of the first week wasn't much better. I find out half the management team is actually leaving, and I"m the only manager staying behind. Everything Jess knows = WRONG. Everything howitsdoneinMichigan = THE10COMMANDMENTS. The next two weeks were like that. Everything I did was wrong, but it was almost like that math problem you know the answer to, but the PROCESS of how you got there is just a little different from what your greasy math teacher would like you to show!!! But no. I was going to live and breathe the way it was done out here and I was made to feel stupid for knowing a different way.

Week three, getting a little better, except for the fact that adjusting or fitting in with the new management team proves a little difficult and has now turned to frustration.

Week four (literally TODAY) comes completely full circle and I'm having the 2nd worst day since I've been out here simply because of my job. I almost went in the back twice to get my stuff, drop my keys on the counter and walk out. But I can't. Because I know it's not the company. I love working for this company, because the best days I've had here have been when I'm by myself and we're having a fantastic day, sales are great, customer interaction is on, and the floor is running smoothly. I love the way this company runs and therefore, as much as I want to quit on the store I can't quit on the company.

I simply have to suck it up and get my right opportunity or for a total cliche "moment to shine" back and gun it.

Thank you for my holyshitits12:53am banter!! And my apologies for the midnightdirtymouth. Think I'll take my slaphappy/halfasleep self upstairs and under the sheets where an adorable warm hubby is waiting for me! ♥

yuk. I hate that word. 


hubby. 


the way my best friend hates the word "moist" 


haha 


hubby. 


iiiiew. 

xo . jesszzzzzzz....

Meet my bff Anxiety

I shouldn't be surprised. I've slept more in the last two days than I have in months and now I've been home from work for only an hour (oh god it feels way longer!) and I'm wide awake. WIDE awake. N's been snoozing next to me since about 5 minutes after I walked in the room. He promised he would be awake when I got home, he got back from Colorado around noon today, and made it just enough to say goodnight kiss me and fall asleep instantly. Awesome.

Now what.

Checked Facebook. Boring.

Checked Email. Boring.

Read all the new blog posts in my feed. Not boring. But not enough to stretch the time :)

And now that it's quiet, the tv is making flittering images on the ceiling and of course the rain is starting to patter on my window, my mind's ready to party. That bedtime anxiety I love so much.

Hi there. Who the fuck told you that you could come out and hang out? Not me! But if you insist on staying for awhile..I might as well get you out of my system and see if I can catch some shut eye after that.

I hate anxiety. I just don't understand it. When I have anxiety, it's really sudden. It comes very quickly in small panic attacks where I feel like I'm going to be sick, and then as quickly as it came, it goes away again. Then my "worries" creep up on me when I'm sort of on autopilot. Like when I'm driving, which I realize is not a good time to be on autopilot :P but I don't even notice I'm doing it. You can catch me doing it, because I start to chew on my lip like a maniac. It's gross. Anxiety is gross. What get's me half the time is that I have mini panic attacks when I'm not even stressed out. Nothing has to be happening in particular. It just happens. And I hate it, because I think I've done pretty well out here.

I've continually looked on the brighter side of things and made the best of everything in my life. Even though life's not about to cut me just the slightest of slack it seems. I'm happy. I really am. But if I'm honest, I can deny that I spend a good amount of time dreaming about things I want in my life as if I had the opportunity to put them there.
Like the house I wish we could buy but will not be able to afford for at least another 5 years.
Or the furniture and decor I dream about and make inspirational boards with to give me ideas for a home I don't even have. And really have no idea when or where I will have it. I want more clothes and things than I can buy. I want a better, cooler car. I want to be able to go Christmas shopping for my family. I want want want..

 Ya, actually, a lot of it is materialistic. Thanks for pointing that out, because the list is much much longer and I'm not gonna fight you for pointing it out. I hate it. I just don't get it. I like my life. I love my family and friends. I have a bed to sleep in at night and money to fill my belly with food when I need it. I don't need anything else. I just always want want want. Isn't that a nasty characteristic? So why, if my positivity comes from a genuine place in my heart, because I mean it and want to be happy with what I have, am I not satisfied? It just makes it look like I'm faking my happiness because on the inside, I'll always want more.

Don't worry if you're lost. If you're still reading at this point I'm amazed because this 12:42am rant is taking the both of us no where.

Let's see if I can't leave on a happy note..and turn my wants into something a little more attractive. It's Christmas time after all and that makes it a perfect time for wishlists.

1. I wish N and I were able to find a place to live soon. 

2. I wish we knew a little more about where we'll be in the next 2-3 months. 

3. I wish Harry Potter wasn't ending. I think I'm suppressing it in a weird emotional way. I haven't even purchased my midnight showing tickets. (I wonder if I'll even go?)

4. I wish my hair was long again and not such a hot mess every day. It's annoying as shit. 

5. I wish I could wake up tomorrow, throw on something comfy and have a shopping day all to myself. 

6. I wish I lost weight easier. Being a chubby cow ain't so fun. 

7. I wish my foot wasn't asleep right now. This is a bit annoying!?

8. I wish my nails would just paint themselves and never chip. 

9. I wish I would get a promotion at work and not be treated like a new manager that doesn't know a thing a two. 

10. I wish and hope you won't judge me for actually posting this and still love me in the morning. 

hope you're all snoozing lovely dreams, 

xo . jess