wisdom.

reverb10.

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

Sometime this year, before my wedding is really the only specific time frame I can come up with, my grandad and I were talking on the phone. At some point our conversation shifted towards my dad. And then my grandad started asking me if I thought my dad would come to the wedding and the conversation went a little deeper from there. 

I know I've talked about my dad on here before. I don't do it often. I'm not sure why. It's on my mind probably every day. But even though I sometimes spend a significant amount thinking about him, I never want to talk about him. Not because it's painful necessarily. Sometimes, yea it is. But I think, unfortunately for him, I'm just sort of over it. I'm over the part where I'm fighting for our relationship or whatever little bit of fraction there ever was of it. I've accepted defeat. The fact that he will never be able to put on his grown man pants and be a dad. 

Now that you've got me started, I feel bad just leaving or posting such a confusing post and give you a little more detail. I'll try my best to not be partial in my side, but..it's kinda hard. Read on. 

So if you haven't caught on that I recently got married, now you're up to speed. ;) You need to know that I was engaged to N for almost two years. He asked me New Year's Eve two years ago..so when we got married it was just under two years' time. I always knew that if my dad was only ever going to be involved in my life one time, it would be for my wedding. He would ask me "What do you dream your wedding to look like?" And then escort me down the aisle. 

Oh wait. We're talking about MY dad here. I forgot. MY dad, makes a smart ass comment as my future husband is asking for my hand in marriage, never not once in the first year of being engaged asks about wedding plans, not even "Hey honey, have you looked for a dress?". MY dad has such a little back bone that I end up email fighting with my stepmom about I'm still not really sure to this day about what, doesn't speak to me for months, then has his wife email me at exactly 8am on New Year's Day enraged because I didn't call for Christmas or New Year's, still no word from HIM and casually emails me 6 months later without a single word inbetween, a one line email 

"Hey, you been watching the world cup?"

Are you fucking kidding?

The stupid girl I am, picks up communication again, which is literally only about soccer and lasts about, oh 1.5 weeks during which I manage a 

"Did you get our invitation? Are you going to make it to the wedding? You're, kind of supposed to give me away." To which my reply was

"Sorry no. [Your stepmom] would really like to take our annual ski trip to the Alps at the end of the year and a ticket to the wedding will cut into our vacation budget."

I'm sorry. I said "are you fucking kidding me" already, right?

And so, I break off communication about soccer and rejection again and have not heard from him since sometime in June of this year. 

It is now December. I have been married for 2 months and had the most handsome man walk me down the aisle. My father has forever missed the chance to see his first born daughter at her wedding. Let alone dance with her for her father daughter dance. 

Alright, I am sorry, I've got to come off my soapbox. I think the vicodin is talking a little more loudly. But hey, I think this is my first reverb10, during which I really reflected. Even if it was in my Mean Girl voice. 

the last time I saw my dad in January 2009. 

xo . jess