Sunday Night Blues

10 years ago I spent my Sunday nights worrying about what I was gonna wear to school the next day, if all my homework was complete, and what this week's drama would be.

Oh the good ol' days.

Currently I am spending my Sunday evening drowing in so many blues I don't know where to begin. Not so much drowning as in, sad, depressing drowning..but I just feel burried in so much shit right now (sorry the vulgarity - my blog says honest words - read at your own discretion :) ) .. that I just want to slump down on the floor and scream!

The funny thing is, is that the doodoo that's covering me right now is so STUPID and just..UGH!!!!!!!!! Why is it so hard for some people to leave their high school drama days behind as they enter the age of adulthood? Or does everyone seem to be going 21 on 16? I'm sorry if this is offensive to you - it shouldn't be - just me venting here - but c'mon!

The stupidity of these people is so baffling that I cannot even talk about it in detail on my blog. They do not deserve even a syllable. ( Too late huh :) )

Then there was the 8 1/2 hr work day which seemed and felt like 15 if you combine the fact that I was the only manager there today, with some oh so friendly customers, and sprinkle it with some oh so pleasant work drama..you've got a pretty shitty work day on your hands.

However!! Because I'm realizing that I'm just rambling and this has officially become my least favorite blog ever, I will leave you with the happy and truly genuine fact that I just realized that tomorrow is March 1st.

What's so special about March 1st you say?

Well, tomorrow in exactly 7 months to the day I will be a wife.

:)

And that is reason enough for me to say "go fuck yourself san diego".

And take those drama hungry individuals with you, please.

How's your Heini?

First off I want to thank all of you for reading/commenting on my previous blog. I felt so much better after getting all that out and then receiving your comments.

So I just had to post this today, because I was driving today and totally had a "Jessi" moment that just made me laugh out loud at myself - so I just had to share with you.

(Actually, this was yesterday - however!) I was driving on Federal/Zuni and sitting at the light on Zuni and 136th by the Safeway. On the corner is a small Walgreens and I was sitting in my car rocking out to music..looking around..when I see this sign. I read it in my head and just start cracking up! Even though I totally misread it..I just kept saying it over and over in my head, and it totally made my day! :)

So let me ask you "Have you had your heiney shot today?"

(If you're still not quite following..I read H1N1 as hini aka heiney)

Out of Sight and Out of Mind

When I started this blog I had no idea the things I would write about daily, let alone keep it going long enough to where I would actually fall in love with it (even more than Facebook).

So far my blogs have been sweet, mostly short, and not of huge significance to anything going on in my life currently. I tried to kind of get there when I started having thoughts about not student teaching just yet and taking on this new job that I currently love. Therefore, I almost feel as if I'm cheating myself and my readers out of something special. Especially because my description reads "honest and genuine words" and so far I don't feel I have really kept up to that.

It's not that I have a problem being open to anyone that happens to come across this or of course my followers. In fact, I find it very easy to simply spill my guts so to speak to anyone who really wants to listen. But I have a hard time finding organization within my thoughts until I actually start saying them out loud..or even writing about them, which I have not done in awhile. So without getting too carried away in reminiscing about what my deal is with all this..I guess I'll just kind of start typing about this thing in my life that I have surprisingly pushed to the back burner of my mind, and maybe even my heart, in order to not have to deal with it at all - which is so not me.

To get you somewhat up to speed (very quickly) my father has never really been a strong parent figure in my life. My parents divorced when I was young and by the time I was 14 I had moved to the US with my mother and family. He stayed behind in Germany with his new wife (and to make things easier I might as well put it out there now) who happened to also be one of his many affairs he just kept around long enough 

to replace his first wife (my mother) and pretty much his two daughters along with that (my sister and I). All of my adolescents we saw him during school vacations..we'd (my sister and I) go on one extravagant family vacation with them after another and then we made the big move here. After that we saw him once a year up until two Christmases ago when I got engaged - which was the last time I saw him - Xmas/New Year's 08/09.

Once I started college I realized my dad was not interested in really being a supportive parent when it came to things like financial support or the slightest bit of assistance, was not a figure I could go to for advice, or anything at all that didn't involve pretending things were sunshine and roses when we would see each other. In between..he never really called, emailed, or even wrote..missed occassional birthdays..didn't call for a major surgery I had when I was 18..no card, etc.

I learned to deal and just kind of accepted.

Then Nick asked for my hand in marriage during our last visit, we got engaged a couple days later while we were there and I thought - maybe there will come a time now when I can grow closer to my dad. He loves my future husband, things with him and I were great, very on the surface, but great. Even my stepmother and I had no issues and nothing but great talks over dinner and wine.

To add a little disclaimer.. Please understand that I am by no means trying to sound spoiled. However, the last few months before I got engaged I had started to dream of what my wedding would look like, the traditions I would follow and for somehow I just always had this thought that my dad would wake up and decided that he wanted to really be part of something very significant in my life and want to support me traditionally financially in my wedding, like my mother's parents did for their beautiful wedding.

Fast forward a bit and skipping the nasty details that followed as soon as I got on that plane back home to the United States in freshly-engaged bliss filled with nothing but love, optimism, and excitement. After months of trying to get a decent conversation out of my dad about a wedding budget, what he'd like to offer, help with etc, so I could start planning mine and Nick's dream day (again - whether it was going to be a backyard bbq or a lavish black tie event did not matter) it turns out that my father had zero interest in being involved in the least, and informed me that he and his wife had planned on at least two ski trips to the Alps that year and if they HAD to help out with the wedding, there wouldn't really be money left over for a ticket to make it out to the wedding at all.

I didn't know a verbal punch in the stomach could hurt worse than a physical one.

When a small donation to the wedding did arrive shortly after and my thank you email and attempted phone call went unanswered I think I just snapped. Why would I fight for some man's attention that abandoned my family before it was even ever fully complete? My entire life he's chosen against his own family, his own daughters and worried more about biannual expensive ski trips, new cars every few years, and his wife's expensive taste - I was a complete idiot for every being hopeful that deep down he really did want to be a father. Let alone the father of the bride.

So now it's been roughly 4-5 months since I last spoke to him (via email). I did not call for Christmas. And not for New Year's. I have no desire. I don't miss him. I don't care to wish him happy anything. And I absolutely, under no circumstances ask him to walk me down the aisle and give me away at the altar. I have the most perfect individual in my life that has walked beside me through thick and thin my entire life and I would want no one else to hold my hand walking down that aisle than her.

And yet, even though I genuinely feel very very little sadness about the whole thing, I am completely and most definitely devastated. I am torn between not giving a shit and simply not being able to understand. Why? Why to so many, thousands of questions that I have that I know will never get answered that I ask myself - why bother?

It seems it'd be life times easier (and I'd probably save thousands of dollars on therapy) to just go with the 50% of my emotions that have never had a father, never needed one, and will not need one now. Hasn't he been out of sight my entire life? So why can't he just go out of mind.

Happy Monday

This is a salute to those of you who are reading this at your desk on Monday morning..trying to get over the fact that another weekend has gone by and you are back at your desk, cubicle, or wherever else you are currently finding yourself, and realizing that it is once again - Monday.

I do hope you all made it safely to work for those of you who are residing in Colorado and are braving the late snow we are experiencing. I personally cannot stand it! I am ready for spring, having to wear no jackets or boots...I'm ready to box up those puppies for the season!

However..it is 3:17am and I am just now getting ready to dream sweet dreams of who knows what (maybe I'll tell you about it later) and just wanted to rejoice a little in the fact that I for once get to spend an entire Monday safely in my cozy bed, from which I have a perfect view of the TV, and am only a few steps away from my laptop, in case I do feel like blogging about what I dreamt. Don't worry fellow bloggers..my cozy Monday comes well deserved after a 9 hour shift working inventory..and I am blogging (or maybe more like bragging!? ) about my cozy bliss that awaits me, simply to help me fall asleep.

Nevertheless, I am hoping that evil Monday will leave me alone for once and that it won't be able to find me hiding under the covers, safe from any annoyingness (?) or trouble that is usually associated with the ever so often cursed day of the week.

So go top off that hot cup of coffee, grab another donut, and get to work! :) I'm gonna go snooze.

(this is what I currently look like - completely fried)

It's Friday PUMPKIN! - Caroline from Nick & Norah

I apologize if you don't like to sit and read these little surveys..but it has been a few days since my last blog..and have really wanted to blog..however..words are just not finding me these past couple days. As you can probably tell by my continuous '...' those are actually pauses of mine..in which my brain just goes blank.

So I got this email today with this cute survey and I thought - maybe my bloggers want to know a little bit about me, and I actually like filling this out to remind myself of who I am, the little things I like, and of course the important questions such as: "What's your favorite flavor of ice cream??"

So please, enjoy if you'd like and if not - let's hope my blogging words find me again shortly. Prost!

1. High heels or boots? Right now actually heels.


2. What time did you get up this morning? 6:43am - no really..I looked right at my alarm clock as I opened my eyes.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Avatar 3D - oh so gooood :)

4. What is your maiden name?  Derx

5. What is your favorite TV show? The Big Bang Theory - among many others of course :) But laughing always takes the cake.

6. What did you have for breakfast? My Herbalife shake of course!

7. What is your middle name? ugh..I hate revealing this.. Jenny

8. What food do you dislike? Spicy food..I have a weak stomach

9. What is your favorite CD at the moment? The New Moon Soundtrack - so clique I know - but the songs are just great!

10.What characteristic do you despise? Ungratefulness

11.Favorite Clothing? Anything that makes me gasp from across the store (no really..it happens)

12.Any where in the world on vacation? Italia

13.Are you an organized person? When it comes to schedules, dates & times, travel, etc.. yes. My room and closet - no. Except my shoes! They're all still in their original boxes.

14.Where would you retire too?  A quiet village by Lake Garda in Italia

15.What was your most recent memorable birthday? Having the BEST time at The Tavern last year for my 22nd birthday with my closest friends & family! So simple..but so perfect.
16.What are you going to do when you finish this? Mani :)

17.Furthest place you are sending this? To the world wide web! :)

18.Person you expect to send it back first?  I think an "N/A" would suffice for this question.

19.When is your birthday ? June 4th

20.Are you a morning person or a night person? A morning person hands down. Nothing beats how quiet and peaceful everything is on an early morning. Beautiful!

21.What is your shoe size? 9

22.Do you own any animals? A 3 1/2 year old Golden Retriever named Oliver :)

23.Any news you'd like to share? (I'm stealing this straight from the person who did this before me) Tiger Woods is a TOOL! But so is everyone else that has actually been following that drama!

24.When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? A pop star

25.What is your favorite flower? Sunflower

26.What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? March 13th - Nick and I are flying to Washington for a mini vacation with family.

27.If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Yellow
28.What is under your bed? The box to my laptop I bought last month.

29.How is the weather right now? Freezing and snowy :(
30.Last person you spoke to on the phone?  My mamacita

31.Favorite drink? Starbucks :)

32.Favorite restaurant? Outback Steakhouse

33.Hair color? Chocolate brown

34.What was your favorite toy as a child? Cars and those carpets with streets

35.Spring Summer, Fall or Winter? Fall

36.Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate

37.Coffee or tea? Tea
38.Wish you were still young? I still am

39.Do you want your friends to email you back? No, but I hope someone copies me, reposts this, and let's me know so I can read what their answers are.

40.When was the last time you cried? It's actually been so long that I can't remember! That xanax really does work!

41.What did you do last night? Had a fabulous dinner with my mom and aunty that was visiting from Seattle, gushed about gossip and sipped yummy wine. We still managed to pass out by 9:30pm :P

42.Did someone not like this question? Come again?

43.What are you afraid of? For some reason lately..losing a loved one.

44.Salty or sweet? Sweet

45.Best quality you have? Great head o' hair ;)

46.How many years at your current job? uuhh :) just passed the 1 month line! Woop Woop :)

47.Favorite day of the week? Sunday

48.How many people will you send this to? Anyone who would like to read my blog at that moment.

49.How many will respond? I will wait and see!

50.Do you like finding out all this stuff about your friends? Always

Who's the spoiled bitch now..

Alright..so I have just completely given up on my Mondays. They will just continue to amaze me week after week. Seriously..can EVERY Monday be shitty?? I guess so.
Don't worry, this won't be a blog about my shitty Monday.
In fact, it will be a blog to let you know that about half way through my day I looked at my manager and said F THIS - we're getting mannis after work!

And so..after I blogged last night about not being a spoiled brat..that I don't often treat myself to mannis and try to do them myself (see previous blog :)) I definitely dragged my manager J (well..not that she was that  reluctant herself) over to get mannis after we got off for some relaxing manni time! I blame Monday - if she wouldn't insist on always being so sucky then I wouldn't always need that lovely 30 minutes of pampering. PLUS..after I spent the weekend curled up in a ball in my bed eating saltines and drinking sprite for 36 hours..I had well deserved it. :) I did!!

So then..on my way home I start to hear the lovely soft hissing noise my breaks have started to make, reminding me ever so gently that they need another very expensive face lift in the near future just as I look down and see that I had chipped a nail no more than an hr after my lovely mani and I realize -

that stupid bitch Monday..she always gets what she wants.

Every girl loves a good mani...

Hello ladies..I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day. Mine was pretty interesting..was sick all weekend and finally didn't have such a headache today that I was actually able to stand up for longer than 20 seconds and leave the curtains open in my bedroom.. . So mine was spent in bed all day watching sappy movies (I'm on my 4th..How to Lose a Guy...) and making a short trip to the grocery store across the street looking ever so sexy in my leggins, uggs, glasses, and hat with my hair sticking out in every direction (oh I was turning heads in that King Soopers..don't you worry :) ) to stock up on eatable items I could actually digest the next couple of days..but I'll just leave it at that :) All in all it wasn't too bad..Nick did call me I think 5 times and we are currently skyping for the third time. Plus we decided that we will catch up on our V-Day romantics on Wednesday, my next day off, when I go to visit him next. So stay tuned for that one.

However..the purpose of my blog was to share with you that I love mani/pedis. Since my wallet does not allow for me to get weekly or even sometimes montly combos of the heavenly pampering..I have become a huge fan of doing them myself. I've gotten pretty good and have way too many colors flying around in my cupboard. And so after recently seeing those adds for the new Mani Pen that lets you draw on your nails so precisely you look even more like you just came from the salon. I was so intrigued that I had to try them. And ladies - I LOVE them! I included some pictures (of course) to show you how wonderful and cute they turned out!

(sorry about my ugly feet)

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day fellow bloggers

New Hair Take Two

Soo you might remember a small little blog awhile back about me cutting my hair..well..it just wasn't working for me at all. For those of you that don't know I have really wavy/curly hair and without lots of layers my hair just lays flat all day. Like a lazy couch potatoe watching Community College ads and soap operas on tv all day long flat :) And so..even though I was trying to stay good to my budget and just wait it out until my next cut..I couldn't take it any longer and made an emergency appointment yesterday on my way to work.

I ended up being woken up this morning by the hundreds of geese taking flight outside my window this morning (sounds more idyllic than it really is - there just happens to be a big field between my window and the highschool & king soopers across the street :P ) nevertheless it was a pretty refreshing, peaceful way of waking up, compared to the obnoxious ring tones that come out of my phone at 5:30am. However, discovering that I was already running to late my appointment with my wedding planner was not so peaceful. So I hopped out of bed, threw on my day-off-uniform of leggins, flats, cardigan, and my splurged Buckle tablecloth scarf (not to forget my every loved oversized shades) and flew out the door with a list of errands for the day.

I know it might seem a bit redundant and boring blogging about a day of errands, but 1) I'm trying to be really good about my blogging, and 2) I find something really relaxing about spending a day alone with a cup of coffee in my cupholder, Pandora running on my favorite radio station, and a list of things to do for the one, slowly crossing of one things after the other as the day goes on. Maybe it's the fact that I actually spend the day getting done and can come home in the afternoon, balance my checkbook, and know that I got tons of stuff done. It gives me that..come home and put my feet up for the night feeling. :) Might be dorky..but hey - this is still my blog :)

And can I just ask what it is with hair dressers always insisting on just chopping away at your hair even though you said no longer than 3inches please? I love chatting the hour and a half away, but watch it with the snipping lady ( gentleman :) ) I mean..don't get me wrong - I definitely got lucky in that I love my new do..but it is definitely shorter than what we discussed but I still really like it. And I'm still playing with ideas on how I want to wear my hair come wedding day..and so now if I decide that I do want a little bit of length..I still have time to grow it out. :)

totally love the bags :) a bit shorter like Katy Perry wears hers..

Come on..did you really think I'd pass these amazing shades up? :) Or not post this foto after yesterday's blog? I don't think so!

Can we please...

...take a moment and all agree that I have a dangerous obsession with crazy, big, yet I'm so in love with them sunglasses??

Today at work we were scheduled to have a visit..so I showed up two hours early to prepare - however - the visit had just ended! So even though I was pretty disappointed to have missed out..I was glad, because now I could run out quickly to grab a bite for breakfast I had hastily skipped since I was busy trying on ten different outfits for the day and clock in an hour later.
Sooo..off I go to grab some Starbucks and semi healthy breakfast (whom I kidding?? It turned into me speeding down Huron trying to get to McDonalds before they stopped serving breakfast :D ) as I'm walking past the big store windows of the book store next to ours. Without sounding super shallow, conceded,..whatever..I caugh my reflection and I just happened to realize how much I love my new over sized three colored shades from F21 :)

LOVE them :))

As you can see..my history of obessive eye wear... :)

My $1 oversized dude glasses from AE - last summer

One of my FAVORITES! My hunter green and gold "upside down" shades I got for $3 from Angels :P

Did I mention I was a bargain shopper?? :)

Mani/Pedi kinda day

Hello fellow bloggers -
In case you live in Colorado..in the Metro Denver type area..you are probably snuggled up in your bed, thawing from the COLD ASS day we had today, and the so not welcomed snow at the moment. I woke up after spending a night with my love (nothing rated R..just miss sleeping in our bed!) and long story short..I wake up to him having to go to school while it's my day off and realize that I have to leave Fort Collins as quickly as I'd come to go take my car in to have new tires put on.. :( I HATE spending money on my car! Ugh..it's just an expense I'd much rather use on hot Starbucks and mani/pedis. (Or more cute skirts like the one below :)) However..being that one of my new year's solutions was to be good with money and take care of my belongings..I got out of bed, kissed my very sad fiance bye till Saturday and hit the road. The very snowy scary road :(

Luckily for me :) there happened to be just a cozy little Starbucks and my favorite nail salon ever so closely to the place I was dropping my car off. And so..since my day that was supposed to be spent on the couch with mein schatz taking naps and watching it snow was now RUINED I said - screw the budget - and marched my super warm Target boots through the snow across the street for some searing hot White Chocolate Moccha (extra hot) and slipped into the nail salon for a well deserved mani/pedi :) So even though I missed out on a romantic snuggly afternoon..I actually really enjoyed myself..hanging out with just myself..being pampered. I have to say - I'm not such bad company.

I'll have you know before I let you go to bed that I then even got my ass to the gym where that floating eliptycal machine looking thing kicked my ASS!! And I plan on going bright and early again Wednesday morning :) So the mani/pedi kinda day was well deserved. And I have to add that I felt very responsible and glad that I let my car day have its own spa day :) However..I still had to close my eyes when I had to swipe my card and approve the 267$ charge my car's little spa day cost me. Spoiled bitch :D.

Unofficial decision

By the way..this might be the shortest post to have ever been posted..but I think I have decided that I'm going to spend the next month decorating my dream of becoming a professional photographer and owning my own studio one day and then work on making that dream a reality.

Woop woop :)

Classy Saturday Night

Hello fellow blog ladies :) (I can be sexist and not address any men, because I happen to know that mostly women follow my daily ramblings :) ) I hope you are all spending your Saturday night doing more exciting things than I am. My original plan had me super excited to get out of the house, celebrating a friend's birthday..so much that I spent all week thinking about what I could wear :P..however..this lovely evening was trumped by my date with the toilet bowl followed by lots of teeth brushing and crackers last night.
I still had to get myself out of bed early this morning to spend it working..however I got the chance to leave early so I could come home to my ever comfy pj's, my warm bed, and the second season of The Big Bang Theory awaiting me in my DVD player. I guess..all in all it really isn't that bad of a saturday night. And my super cozy huge sweater is ten times more comfortable than either my slinky skinny jeans & boots or high waisted skirt and tank combos I had played with for tonight :)

I even felt so stylish in my sweater and pink plaid pj pants that I felt balsy enough to slip on my sweater uggs and make a trip to the store for some Fresca and Wasa flatbread, which is totally hitting the spot at the moment. Nutella + Wasa flatbread = tummy feeling much better :P

And of course..working at a fun retail store always makes for great retail therapy :) I think this will be my Valentine's Day outfit. Normally I'm not big on the .. Hallmark Holiday .. :) But since Nick and I are living an hr away from each other and we never really did anything for our 4 year anniversary..so we're kind of going all out :) And I'm so excited about my fun t-shirt..I just had to share it with you guys :)

The only thing that makes this skirt even better..is that it has pockets :D

This has to be the cutest Vday vintage T :)

Happy Saturday everyone! And have fun watching the SuperBowl while I work all day!